I said NO, and meant it.

Today, I'm proud.

I felt like I wavered momentarily only. That brief thought that maybe I should unblock this person from my life.

But I knew better this time.

His words only vaguely touched my heart. "I miss you."

I jokingly said "When are you going to realize I'm worth the trouble?"

He laughed, "I'm tired of other girls."

My smile fades...*sigh* I only get sick to my stomach hoping that all those times he said that to me before weren't accompanied with other women.

"I feel like the last time was our final time."

And that was it. He smiled and walked away.

I did it. This time. I proved to myself, I am stronger.

Controlling the mind

Moving forward is about finding moments of familiarity in the middle of the storm of uncertainty... And running the hell away from them.

That is the way I explain the stage in my life right now.

Fear is very powerful. We all know that. Fear causes you to run to things that are toxic, simply because you know them. You understand that they are toxic, at the very least, and that is so much more comfortable than change. I have noticed fear is a powerful driving force in my life. So, that brings me back to why?

I don't believe in myself. Freckles has pointed out to me how every time I have uttered the phrase: I can't do it...I turn around and figure out a way to do it. Maybe inadvertently, mostly not because I was trying so hard to plan. Mostly, things work out...for those that don't - there is a reason.

The mind seems to be the hardest to control.

Never look back...it distracts from the NOW.

Ok, so I admit. I stole it from Edna in the Incredibles. The benefit of being a mom is I get to profit off all the lost wisdom in children's movies.

I think there is an incredible balance between finding life lessons in past experiences, and moving forward. It is important to reflect on the past in order to grow in the future. Some people, like me, learn their lessons slowly....so one thing I am trying to develop is my sense of intuition regarding people and situations. Chance are, upon reflection, I knew early on that it wasn't a good situation. In turn, I'm attempting to learn my lessons the first time...

I have an ability to go back to a bad situation hoping something will be different, when nothing has changed. And I think all of us have heard the definition of insanity.

People change. Sure, they do. When something changes enough in their life so that their way of acting simply doesn't work anymore. If it works...there is no reason to stop. Yet, all I can control is myself...me changing, so I demand more and don't accept less.

My mother is desperately like this. She gets fed up with bad behavior and lets it affect her deeply...knowing full well that she is unable to trust certain people or situations from prior experience. Yet, she goes back...over and over again, and gets hurt over and over again.

Somehow we always end up getting hurt. Sometimes you just have to say...I can't trust this person. When it's family, though, it makes it tough. When it's your children's father...well...you have to make some tough choices.

I want to move away. 300 miles. Close to my lil one's grandmother (who has helped raise her), and her uncles with their new babies (my brothers who I am incredibly close). So I have to make some tough choices...and decide if it's better to grow up with dad, or with a community of people who can help raise her?

So...

I realized yesterday didn't make a ton of sense. Please just get used to me being random and jumbled for awhile as I settle back into blogging again.

Yesterday, my post was a little inspired by T's bad date post! It gave me some of perspective on my own behaviors during the up/down relationship. I wanted the attention from a man, I craved someone WANTING me. See, something in my marriage that we hadn't had since we had our accidental pregnancy was...CHEMISTRY. And yes, Chemistry was something I was DRUNK on in the up/down relationship.

I enjoyed being craved, loved, and adored in bed. Problem was...every time I got sick, or something when wrong...he was gone. Gone was the love, adoration, and attention. This was the abuse cycle that I'm very familiar.

Now the abuse cycle has shown up in my relationships in a variety of ways. Somehow the feeling that "I'm not good enough" always finds a way to be reinforced in every relationship that I have. Yet, something is different for me right now.

I feel stronger, not in the - I need to be strong because that's what single women are...or the kind where I have to suffer for the cause...but the kind where I just feel sure that I will stand up for myself and ask for what I need.

See, the up/down relationship - I never asked for what I needed, I expected him to serve me an emotional connection that he was incapable of providing. When I finally realized what I needed...well...I asked for it.

Bummer - he couldn't provide it. The End.

But the difference? I asked. I demanded. I needed someone to be there for me when I was having a rough day. Why couldn't he give it? Well, first, he was unavailable. Second, I was unwilling to give it to him because I was unavailable. The bottom line? The key to my unhappiness in the relationship all was with me...I have not changed enough, I have not dealt with my own issues in order to be open and vulnerable. Therefore, I cannot attract someone with the same qualities.

I want a prince when I'm still a frog...

Now I don't mean that in a self-defeating way. I know that I'm fun, kind, caring, and awesome. but...

Iz got issues...as do we all...and I have constantly shoved them down deep to not deal with them. I haven't dealt with the ending of my marriage, my deep rooted trust issues, or the intense need to be perfect. I haven't dealt with my inability to be vulnerable.

I'm not sure this means I need to stop my life and deal with them...it's just time to go out there and focus on me. I think it means - I need to do more work. But I also think, more than anything...I need to VALUE myself, my feelings, my instincts.

Ahhh...it's been awhile.

There is nothing settled in my life. Nothing has changed dramatically. I'm still within an indecisive territory, not really sure what is next. One thing I learned about being indecisive that sometimes moving at all...is better than staying stagnant.

So...today...I applied for my own insurance.

Now I know it seems like a small step in the grand scheme of things but it symbolized my desire to do SOMETHING. Maybe it's not definitive or even a sign that something will change, but it was something small that I could do, today, in order to get moving forward.

I am ashamed to say that I went back to the up/down relationship this summer, and now the finality of it all seems real.

I felt good with this man. He had a way of making my whole body just FEEL good. I hadn't had that in years...so I indulged, over indulged. It certainly reminded me of Eat. Pray. Love. where she finds herself unable to be balanced every time she is with a man. This type of imbalance causes so many problems. My health dove into the depths of darkness to warn me. I didn't listen. I wanted to be so far away from Freckles, I latched onto this man who had a connection with me.

Unfortunately, I still suffer from sore throats, nipple pain, occasional pelvic pain, and I'm doing the Candida detox from a year of excessive antibiotics.

Yes, I'm not better. I'm concerned my insurance application will be denied or heinously expensive simply because I've had so many health issues this year. Fortunately, prior, I had not once used my insurance.

We'll see, I cannot control it, so I release it. The worst that can happen is they deny me.

Here's to creating positivity and moving forward, whatever that means.

Reflection time

I have been so busy that I haven't had time to think. Life seems like it's been on fast forward for the past month. Now that it's time to slow down...I can breathe...and rethink everything.

I have been pondering the idea of stability beyond marriage. I know that to find TRUE stability, I have to find it within myself. To do this, I have to find a way to make enough money and have benefits to really be comfortable leaving Mr. Freckles for good.

I still struggle with the idea of leaving Freckles for good. My family means everything to me...my daughter hates us not being together. The truth is...we get along wonderfully. I just hate feeling like I'm always in his shadow. There is always something WRONG with me...I know that I'm not perfect. I freak out under pressure, I am incredibly hard on myself, and I will always be a bit dramatic.

This is me. I wish to improve, but I don't wish to change. And I don't think I should EVER be made to feel bad about even my weakest points. I have heart. I care incredible amounts. I always wish to do the right things.

The scars that I have endured through this relationship - 4 cheating scenarios...Can you really recover from that? Maybe...with time, work, patience. Yet, when do I get to be happy?

I am tired of being a ball on the floor...crying about my life.

I am tired of being frozen in fear...wondering why I can't make a change.

Every second that I am here...wondering...waiting...I am losing time being happy.

My number one priority is to regain my happiness. I don't want to wait for someone or something to change, because my power is within me. I feel it.

Freckles was gone 10 days. There I was...alone...a mom...a full time preschool teacher and gymnastics coach...and I was the happiest, most free that I had felt in a long time.

Don't get me wrong - it was hard and painful. I cried almost every night, but inside of me - I knew I could do it, and I did.

The stability, well...I guess that comes in time. It's never going to be as stable with one person and no second back up plan. It's never going to be EASY. I don't think it means that I can't be happy though.

I just hope I can keep this attitude up.

Some new thoughts.

Through this whole thing, I have focused on the negative. The mistakes that I've made. I rarely focus on my accomplishments, and the positive aspects of myself. Lately, I thought I'd make a change.

You see, when I really thought about it...I realized, without meaning to, that I WAS becoming the person I was meant to be. I am goofy, and loud, and a little weird. Yet, I'm also intuitive and emotional - when I experience things...I REALLY experience them. I really LIKE who I am...anxiety and neurotic tendencies and all.

I am stronger, wiser, and much more resilient than I have ever been.

How do I know this? I actually paid attention to the contrary evidence of me being a bad, irresponsible, and weak person.

For awhile, I've felt so down about myself. I haven't wanted to post because I felt too raw. There was nothing I wanted to share because there was no skin over my wounds. When I was able to change the one thing I could control - everything started feeling better...and better.

It was my...perspective.

After my break up with Freckles - I sought out some sort of connection to another person. I WANTED to feel desirable and beautiful and...ALIVE again. I had been cheated on, run over, and squashed. yeah yeah yeah - I sought it out in another person and that's never a good thing...but our connections to others ARE a piece of who were are/become.

I'm not seeking to justify my choices...I'm simply going through the thought processes of my change in perspective. In life, we don't make mistakes, we get feedback.

I had the talk with my partner about being exclusive, we both were tested (although not completely out of the time frame for all of them - which was my first point of feedback from this), and we had a sexual relationship AFTER my husband and I were living in separate homes.

I focused on the fact that I didn't use condoms (we started out with them), I wasn't divorced, I didn't know the guy for a long time, and I was fresh off a separation (All major no no's in my moral code). I got caught in a guilt cycle and couldn't learn from these because I was caught calling them mistakes.

There were good and bad decisions in there. I learned so much from it all, and due to it - I feel much more equipped if I do enter the dating scene again or even if I did turn out to have contracted something.

You see...I learned that 1) through changing my perspective about my behavior, my actions were the best I could do with where I was at the time 2) I was very naive regarding sex, and STI's 3) There are no guarantee's, or mistakes...You just have to do the best you can and life will happen the way it does.

I know now...people will show you who they are. There is no protection. I went back to Freckles hoping to seek some sort of protection from the big bad world. It's like...forming some attachment to the person who has hurt you because, at the very least, YOU KNOW you will get hurt again.

Damn Fear.

I feel better, it may not last for long...but somehow through believing that I can contracted a life-threatening illness, it really helped me understand that this is the time to live for what I WANT verse delaying gratification to some later date when life circumstances will magically be different.

After all, only I can make my life circumstances different...as the poem Invictus says,

I am the master of my fate:

I am the captain of my soul