Separation sucks...so many know the feelings of emptiness, sadness, and anxiety once the final string is pulled.
Then there's LIFE! You can't stop living it, well most can't, and close the door to the bedroom waiting to feel whole again. You just jump out there. Sometimes the motions feel so very difficult, as if your body somehow converted to a machine, magically.
That's how I felt this morning. It was the first night that Freckles and I slept in different areas. Since counseling, yesterday, we felt the need to distance ourselves. The separation suddenly became very weird. A cloud of awkward energy filled the house. Our DD felt it too - acting out this morning.
That was HARD. As a parent, there is incredible guilt about any slight action effecting your child the rest of their life. But this wasn't a slight action...
This was a BIG action, with a very painful and uncomfortable result.
So many thoughts and questions:
Maybe we should sleep in the same bed, so we don't confuse her? Maybe we're doing the wrong thing trying to separate? Maybe we shouldn't try living together? Maybe Freckles could change...Maybe...but Maybe not.
That thought - this one right here: MAYBE NOT was enough for me. With my heart broken, I must pick up the pieces to LEARN to be the parent, student, and INDIVIDUAL that I need to be.
But, man, it sucks!
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It does suck but this is when you need to lean on what's real. Lean on the present love in your life. Take each moment as it comes. And KNOW THAT YOUR DAUGHTER WILL BE FINE.
ReplyDeleteMy oldest was 4 (my littlest was 1)when my ex and I separated. She will handle it like you handle it. When its difficult for you, she will sense it. When you feel stronger, she will respond to that. Honestly, children want to see their parents happy. Work on that. Focus on your happiness.
I promise you YOU WILL BE OK.
((hugs))
T, Thank you for your kind and honest words today. I have read your blog a lot, especially many of the topics related to what I'm going through. It helps to see people who have come out on the other side strong, and whole.
ReplyDeleteI'm definately working on happy, but first I have to figure out what that means to me. = ) Thanks for your support!