Am I a responsibility dodger?
Again, through the wise words of the blog: Baggage Reclaim - I found out a new piece of information about myself.
I recently blogged about Personal Accountability, and being an internalist verses an externalist. However, I have had difficulty applying that aspect to my life. I find myself saying to myself "If Freckles didn't cheat on me, everything would be fine." Yet, I was not the perfect wife, I certainly threatened to leave too many times to make it a viable threat when I actually meant it.
I have a conflict style of avoidance. I have, previously, let Freckles deal with a lot of situations simply because I was scared to. Unfortunately, in situations that have gotten uncomfortable, I also put off dealing with the outcome to preserve myself a little longer.
For instance, my counselor and I got into a riff on the phone. I was unable to definitively make an appointment and she made some comment about me "needing to work on my decision making abilities." I was absolutely insulted. So I told her that I would call her back with a time, and she pressed on insisting that she wouldn't be able to answer my call. I said that would be fine, I would leave a message. This wasn't good enough for her, and I told her she was crossing my boundary and I told her to stop, I would call her back, and goodbye. She hung up.
At the next counseling session where I communicated the boundaries and would appreciate her cooperation. I can barely look at her the same anymore. I will not listen to her messages on the phone, it strikes fear in my heart. I avoid talking to her on the phone anymore - letting it go to voicemail. I have hardly been back for over a month. This is a situation where I dealt with the conflict (points for me), but I cannot follow through with the outcome. This woman scares me...for absolutely no reason at all.
I have avoided looking at myself too much. Although I have grown and attempted to put more responsibility on myself, I also have avoided much of the responsibility as well. Putting the blame on the affair(s) has helped me deal with the pain, somewhat, but certainly won't help me heal the problems that got me here in the first place.
The downfall of my marriage was not only a result of Freckles behavior, but my inabilities to take the signal early on that this relationship would not be fixable through simply building the trust once again. It requires a complete overhaul and building of boundaries. Something that our relationship is not built off of and doesn't function well with.
Boundaries are a difficult issue for me. Why have I let others push through mine for so long? I wanted to avoid taking responsibility, and I wanted to be a victim. Some level of me enjoyed this position. However, now I want to move on - stronger, but more open.
My next battle is finding boundaries that work for me, setting them, and STICKING to them, without avoidance. This includes problem solving through embarrassing situations, like my rent dilemma yesterday, without the help of Freckles.