I wanted to be more than me...because this me didn't seem good enough. The fears began to manifest, I worried so much. Today, it all came crashing down on my little world - the one where I felt protected. Complications collided, feelings exploded, and my reality sought out punishment.
Investing into someone seems so pointless, when the exchange of power is abused. The exchange of power being the moments when you become, just a little, vulnerable. Before, I gave it all...I wanted to be vulnerable with him - with men - because then...they would see how fragile I was. They would WANT to be different. They were not, because I was not. Now I am, he and I just don't fit.
I was projecting when I met you. I thought you wanted me for a conquest. Instead, I found, you were just as scared as me to get involved. Then we were broken, together, carrying baggage from millions of broken hearts in the past. When I told you it was over - I decided for myself, I needed it to be. The fears I had, manifested, we couldn't hide them any longer. And I could no longer hide me, I felt ugly under your precious eyes. Yet, you looked at me so lovingly and I pushed you away. I was scared of what MIGHT happen and because of this...that something did...happen.
He bullied me into letting you go. He manipulated me. But the bottom line is: I let myself be scared. I let myself project the fears. I highlighted all those negative words...and ran with them. Yet, I do not regret it. You deserve better than that...so do I. I just haven't grown that much as of late. It looks like I have more work to do. I have to grow, I have to learn, and I have to let go of my fears. I will be positive once more.
ETA: the explaination of this post can be seen here.