This is the final post in a series about my marriage and it's downfall. Since Freckles is moving out within the week - I am feeling the need to examine the relationship dynamic starting at the beginning and examining both of our contributions to it's demise.
I was the fallback girl during the course of my relationships.
Every relationship I had began with me picking a boy who showed small bits of superficial interest, no matter on who he was, and latching onto him. From this point on, I would expect him to mold into the ideal boyfriend - the one that remembered your birthday, called you frequently because he wanted to, and attempted to mesh with your friends.
Yet, he didn't want those things - so how could I expect him to fullfill my fantasy?
Here's the funny thing: Any guy who showed a remote interest in me, and looked to be the ideal boyfriend - I couldn't get close to. I couldn't view him as a boyfriend, only as a friend.
Perhaps I was afraid of intimacy.
I notice this going on dates with men now. Looking into someone's eyes for a prolonged period is damaging. It hurts my core. I suppose I feel like they will see the real me...the real me is still broken.
I want them to want me. I want them to enjoy my personality. But I don't want them to see into my soul. My soul feels only a quarter full, and it's aching to be fed pieces of garbage rather than genuine love. Those bits of garbage represent how I feel about myself, and I continually long to be filled up by those pieces.
Freckles and I were quite the match.
We were both emotionally unavailable from the start.
I played the victim, he played the abuser in our very own live performance of marriage.
We fought passionately - Him yelling, me crying and cowering. A learned behavior of abuse through my father - the cycle of provoking and then playing the victim. To this day, I tend to enjoy a moderate amount of dysfunction in my relationships. Somehow it is magnetic, me getting angry...then apologizing.
I was constantly distrusting of Freckles - any behavior at all that reminded me of my father, I would call out into the open and scrutinize. Then, he would hold me...I would feel safe again...something I NEVER felt through my father.
I needed protection.
I needed to be whole.
I convinced myself that Freckles was not like my father at all. I had gotten lucky, and escaped the cycle of abuse. I never really confided in anyone about what was going on in my relationship, because I was shamed by some of the signs of cheating that Freckles had exhibited.
So I isolated myself and allowed myself to be spoon fed lies! Lies that defied logic, and intuition. That's what happens when you isolate yourself. Reality is relative and it becomes so easy push away the truth in pursuit of false happiness.
But now...the fallback girl is changing. Me. I'm stronger, I'm putting up boundaries, I'm living my life separate, and learning to be an individual.
There are those who judge my decisions, and those that believe I should have made them long ago.
There are those who try to deter me from my journey of self-discovery, warning me of failure...but we must risk to gain.
There are those eager to paint me a victim, but I'm not. I put myself in the position I was in. I continued to stay even though another's actions were telling me to leave. I was driven by fear.
When I embraced love, when I became confident in my abilities - things relaxed and changed.
I'm not perfect. I haven't learned it all, but I've learned some...enough...and as I write this - I am at peace because I know my life is MINE - mine to live, mine to love, mine to make mistakes.
I am working, daily, to become a better person from all of this. I attempt to look at the downfall of my marriage as an opportunity rather than a failure. I'm laughing more, loving deeply, but eyeing my intentions. Am I ready to date? Do I focus too much on the man?
I'm owning up to pieces of me I can't change, and discovering pieces of me that faded.
Mostly, I have learned that Acceptance is important...but it only comes through the process of grief.
Freckles moves out tomorrow. The reality of our ending will be upon me. Things are going to change, but I will be fine. I will learn to live this way - even though it's hard! It's time for the end, and after my grief plays out - it will be time to accept...
I will be moving forward, filling my heart with love, never regretting...learning...growing...expanding...changing...but most importantly - embracing me and never thinking that's anything less than awesome.
The End. Thanks for following this story.
Part 1: The History of A Marriage
Part 2: The Beginning is the Ending
Part 3: The Downfall