What do you do when your child's parent says mean, nasty things to you?
I feel like I have my hands tied. I'm attempting to have a positive realtionship with a man that holds so much anger towards me. I'm ready to focus on co-parenting, while he's still trying to grieve the loss of our marriage.
How do you act? How can you be the "better person"?
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I think all newly single mothers have been here. The key is to always remember that someday your child/ren will know the truth and it will be alot sooner than you think. My children are under the age of 6 now and they are already seening all the things that I do for them.
ReplyDeleteKeeping the peace is important and being the bigger person is tough but just remember, you are stronger than that. And it helps to let it all out every once in awhile. I can go about a month of my ex's emotional abuse before I finally snap and let him have it. Does it make a differance to him? Probably not. Are things going to change because of it? I doubt it. But damn I always feel better when I do stand up for myself. The key is to remember, he is saying those things to you because he knows... he knows that they are getting to you. He is using your emotions as a way to continue to control you. Don't let him. Just keep your smile on your face and remember... you are better than that and you are not going to let him control you any longer.
You are not alone. Just remember... he is trying to use your emotions to further control you.
Both of my kids' fathers have not one kind word to say about me - to ANYONE. They disparage me every chance they get but sometimes in very subtle ways.
ReplyDeleteTry to surround yourself with as many people as you can who can say and prove otherwise. And keep holding your head up.
Thanks for the comments! I think it is a good reminder that I am not a victim, and I cannot control him or his behavior. It is difficult not to start feeling upset, however.
ReplyDeleteIt's definitely going to be a process! =)
It will probably be a long process if the two of you aren't at the same point. I have to pretty much ignore all of her words and actions and pretend they don't exist. All that matters is the "technical" details to whats going on with the kids.
ReplyDeleteThat was all the mattered to me. I can't control her otherwise childesh behaviors. And nor do I want too. That alone becomes too exhausting.
Take his behavior like water off a ducks back. It will make life so much easier.
You will do just fine.
@Travis: thanks for your advice on how to approach his behavior. You make good points about control. I think I have tried to control his actions through catering to the bullying. I hate when people are mad at me...but in this situation, it's inevitable unless I give up myself to keep the peace.
ReplyDeleteDang, yeah, when we don't want people to be mad at us, we desire their happiness above our own. The only way that is a good thing, is if it is reciprocated.
ReplyDeleteI spent a great deal of my life, trying to please someone that I could never please. I'm still that way. But, I'm waiting to be with someone who will see that as a gift rather than a curse.
@Travis: "I'm still that way. But, I'm waiting to be with someone who will see that as a gift rather than a curse."
ReplyDeleteme too, me too = )
Oh girl, I hear ya. I just remind myself that I have absolutely NO control over his choices. I focus on doing the right thing myself, on being a person that I can be happy with and proud of, and let him dig his own grave. The kids might be oblivious to it now, but some day they'll see the truth if he's still treating me the same way...and then he'll have a whole shit storm of his own making to deal with....
ReplyDeleteHang in there.
This is a tough situation. You must allow yourself to be you, to be a great parent and to ride the high road. Be and live the example!
ReplyDelete@Momma Sunshine: It is definitely hard but "focus on me" is a good thing to remember.
ReplyDelete@Mark: "Be and live the example" - your wise words are helpful in the face of these situations. = )
Big hugs honey.
ReplyDeleteRemember that he is speaking out of pain. And most people deal with pain by trying to put it on someone else. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Have you read The Four Agreements by Don Miguel-Ruiz? Great little book!
I will, most definitely, take the book suggestion. I'm learning more and more there is no reasoning with this period of coping. You cannot talk your way through it - it's just feelings...and those feelings are very very raw. I just hope we can make it all through this ok.
ReplyDelete