I tend to be a bit neurotic. I obsess about the little issues, I crumble in the face of large problems, and I often become distressed [read: hysterical] over things that "normal people" wouldn't even think twice about.
Over the year that I was intensely trying to save my marriage - I learned to control the hysteria and, while still go through "spells" as I call them, I could see myself as being irrational and tone it down. Most of that new ability came from the conscious desire to be happy, and the realization that happiness meant acceptance of life.
Much of my neurotic tendencies are derived from the fear of making mistakes. I hate making them and often do not forgive myself when I do. My family doesn't look kindly on mistakes. I have such intense guilt that it is usually played out physically somehow - for instance, I am so worked up that I throw up.
I have done so much internal work in the last year and a half, that I expect myself to be without faults. Yet, I'm not! No one is...so why, with this knowledge, so I continue to judge myself so harshly?
One of the best pieces of advice I got after I separated was: "Don't be afraid to make mistakes." How do you allow yourself to make mistakes, while also doing your best to be safe and kind to yourself?
I also think about the fact that to really discover who I am - I am going to have to accept those pieces of me that are less than stellar. So, is the neurotic nature part of who I am - I've been that way as long as I can remember! Or is it something that I can alter in myself by working more on myself and finding alternatives to the hysteria? I know that my neurotic behavior has significantly impacted relationships that I've been in, causing someone to feel undue burden over my anxiety sessions.
Perhaps as I become more content - it will allow me to accept myself for who I am, mistakes and all, and abandon some of the neurotic tendencies that play out in my life. For now, I'm learning to decipher what is worth being upset about and what is not worth my time.
Honestly, most of it isn't worth it!
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Seriously.
ReplyDeleteAre you sure you're not my alter ego, some split personality of myself that wakes during the night and writes this blog?
I, too, have the same issues. I have a very hard time controlling them. I too, tend to get sick- and, in the past, forcibly so- over things that trigger an episode. That's my word for 'spell'. I have similar issues with my mistakes and my family that have come to a head as of late.
I'm not sure why I'm writing this other than to reach out to you and tell you that you're so not alone. If you ever want to email me it's littlemama714@gmail.com
Because you're not alone. You make mistakes. You fall to your knees... and then you stand. You always stand.
And that... that is what matters.
*hugs*
Yep, I think most of us are neurotic or anxiety ridden on some level. I too have a perfection complex and try my best to allow for mistakes.
ReplyDeleteI am getting better but it still takes awareness and patience.
((hugs))
You are definitely not alone.
I agree - it's hard to go about life worrying about making mistakes, but when you release your fear of making them, knowing that life is sometimes ABOUT making mistakes, it gets a little easier. you have incredible self-awareness and you seem to surpass so many hurdles already, that you'll "get" this one too!!
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