I tend to be a bit neurotic. I obsess about the little issues, I crumble in the face of large problems, and I often become distressed [read: hysterical] over things that "normal people" wouldn't even think twice about.
Over the year that I was intensely trying to save my marriage - I learned to control the hysteria and, while still go through "spells" as I call them, I could see myself as being irrational and tone it down. Most of that new ability came from the conscious desire to be happy, and the realization that happiness meant acceptance of life.
Much of my neurotic tendencies are derived from the fear of making mistakes. I hate making them and often do not forgive myself when I do. My family doesn't look kindly on mistakes. I have such intense guilt that it is usually played out physically somehow - for instance, I am so worked up that I throw up.
I have done so much internal work in the last year and a half, that I expect myself to be without faults. Yet, I'm not! No one is...so why, with this knowledge, so I continue to judge myself so harshly?
One of the best pieces of advice I got after I separated was: "Don't be afraid to make mistakes." How do you allow yourself to make mistakes, while also doing your best to be safe and kind to yourself?
I also think about the fact that to really discover who I am - I am going to have to accept those pieces of me that are less than stellar. So, is the neurotic nature part of who I am - I've been that way as long as I can remember! Or is it something that I can alter in myself by working more on myself and finding alternatives to the hysteria? I know that my neurotic behavior has significantly impacted relationships that I've been in, causing someone to feel undue burden over my anxiety sessions.
Perhaps as I become more content - it will allow me to accept myself for who I am, mistakes and all, and abandon some of the neurotic tendencies that play out in my life. For now, I'm learning to decipher what is worth being upset about and what is not worth my time.
Honestly, most of it isn't worth it!