There are times when the Universe let's you know if MANY MANY MANY different ways that you need to stop, reassess, and possibly turn around. For the record, that has happened for me over the last 3 months.
I've had several health scares (some still without explaination), rollarcoaster rides (emotionally - the best kind.blech), and heartache (being torn between men) - hindsight being what it is makes you realize that someone is offering some pretty powerful advice.
I hear you, Universe. I might be ready to listen.
There is a reason people tell you not to date right after a separation. No possible way are you in the right frame of mind to be messing around in that territory. With love comes confusion, with pain comes frustration, and top it all off - you are unraveling your life with another individual. The stress has been overwhelming and impacted me in ways that I still cannot fully express.
Yet, through it all - I met an amazing man. He showed me what true tenderness is...what true passion two individuals can have...and how much it WASN'T JUST ME that made my marriage fail. The dynamic Freckles and I created together had turned toxic.
The man I met wanted to be better with me, I wanted to be better with him - we both gave tremendously. We communicated better than either of us has experienced prior. It was a damn rollarcoast together, I'll admit, but we rode the rollarcoaster beautifully and together. Neither one of us wanted to get off. Yet, the ride had become more painful on the downturns. That's when we both realized we were not OK to continue.
Funny enough - they say, do not date when you are first separated. Yet, I found something good. I saw glimpses of the possibilities for the future. The warning signs were there,however, and I ignored many of them. In the end, the Universe gave me a swift kick out of my fog to show me how I wasn't able to be my authentic self, and how I cannot hide that person - EVER!
I know now - that is not where my place is currently. The signs were overwhelmingly clear - it's time for the final curtain call. I made a lot of mistakes in the last 3 months, but I refuse to continue to dwell on them. I can just hope I do better next time - I can hope that I can continue to fail better and better until I find something where I'm open to grow and love.
Most of the process begins inside me, so I'm gonna work on that for awhile - I'm putting my trust in myself and the Universe to help me figure life out.