I am OK.

I'm wondering if my last post was a bit misunderstood.

I don't need a man...in fact, through counseling, I've discovered it isn't so much being alone that scares me - it's the inability to take care of myself through financial means.

I've been a stay at home mom for 5 years, and I know plenty of strong women who have managed the courage to leave their husbands (or kick their husbands out!) without any idea of how to take the next step. I'm not really one of those women.

I don't have insurance. My job pays close to nothing. I'm graduating from college in a week.

So, when my thoughts went to a chronic illness - which I was/am worried about having contracted...well...I got a little more than fearful.

I've been without insurance, and it's scary as hell. I've been pregnant without insurance, and it's scary as hell. Sometimes I wonder if I'm repeating the same pattern - something life altering occurring causing me to cling to stability (i.e. Freckles).

Freckles is in counseling working on his commitment issues. I have really asked for his help on many occasions, and we've spent good time together. I can't help but wonder if I'm falling into the fallback girl trap - am I waiting for him to change because it will validate me as a person...if he changes for me, then really - I am worth something? hm. I think this is important to ponder.

I got into a pretty bad car accident a week ago. My car was totaled, couldn't drive if from the scene. I spent the night in the hospital, Freckles at my side. I wondered - how can someone be so utterly reliable in one way, and so blatantly UNRELIABLE in other ways (i.e. fidelity)?

So I have no car, graduating in a week, no insurance, my mom (my ONLY babysitter) is moving away this month, I've had to miss 2 weeks of work (through Boss' orders), still sick and no one knows what it is, its the end of the school year and I don't know where my daughter will go to kindergarten, and...and....

I'm alive and my daughter is healthy. I have a home. I have family who supports me. The morning is sunny and beautiful. I will be graduating after 5 long years of hard work. I have a job. I have food, water, and clothing...and...

I am OK.