I'm happy that I've reached this point, yet my life remains so much in limbo. My counselor reminds me that I'm doing this...I am alone, I am paying my bills (I am also fortunate that b's dad does not let go of his financial obligations), and I'm relatively happy.
I've spent so many nights in bed crying over Freckles, up/down boy, and love that is lost. I have gone back both over and over again. This time, I'm chilling.
I realized that I pleaded with God...I pleaded with Freckles...with apologies. In the end, I'm not that sorry for the up/down relationship. I am sorry that I was not careful with my body. I am very sorry that I may have compromised my health due to it, but I'm not sorry for that relationship.
I really did find someone who mirrored me exactly, and because I was open to it - I can see now that I am not who I want to be.
Right now: I run away when problems come up, I avoid pain and discomfort, I'm still very much happy with status quo, and I go for feeling good verses long term betterment.
I really need to spend some time, curled in, and taking a look at myself. I need to be OK with failing. I run before I fail, and that's why I keep making the same mistakes over and over. I never really let myself make the mistake...I never really learn my lesson.
My counselor told me that there are no mistakes...only feedback. So, I have a lot of feedback. I have grown. I believe in myself more than I did yesterday, and that counts for something.
The trick is knowing...there is no protection for life. You just have to live it and yes, you may take precautions but it is still no guarantee that you won't get burned.
My next step is honesty with myself and others. I want to be transparent, I want to look in the mirror and feel like I'm not hiding from anyone or anything.
I want to find ME, and that is simply one of the processes of life.