Damn Fear.

I'm scared.

You see, I have had these weird bumps orally since January. I've gone to the DR over 10 times, and no one has been able to give me an answer.

The oral bumps were the reason I thought I had something serious - your body doesn't just freak out for no reason.

Apparently oral bumps can mean that you have some sort of immune deficiency. However, there are no red flags in my blood work.

With HIV, you generally don't see physical manifestations for years - until it has taken a toll on your immune system.

Yet, here I am - I still have them and they become painful and white every few weeks, generally with the rise and fall of my hormone level. I have been getting white spots on the back of my lower mouth.

I was finally referred to an internist that was from San Francisco - experienced with seeing HIV in patients. Unfortunately by the time he could see me, they were not in pain or white.

Then I got strep throat and had to take antibiotics again which have a host of issues for the stomach and mouth.

Now, they are back but I don't have time to go to the DR during the week due to my new position at work.

Damn Fear.

This time, hiding from the fear - well that won't work. I think it's time to face it.

Pema Chodron says that Happiness is getting to know disappointment - facing uncomfortable feelings instead of packing them away or covering them.

Today, I am sitting with my discomfort. I'm uncomfortable, I want to run to Freckles. Yet, I think the only long term solution is finding a way for me to be stable...on my own. My counselor reminded me...with stability comes the freedom. Trying to get that freedom any other way, well, I cannot break the cycle of what is attracting me to utility in relationships.

I need to find MY stability. I CAN do that. I CAN do this. I WILL do this.

Damn Fear.