I have been pondering the idea of stability beyond marriage. I know that to find TRUE stability, I have to find it within myself. To do this, I have to find a way to make enough money and have benefits to really be comfortable leaving Mr. Freckles for good.
I still struggle with the idea of leaving Freckles for good. My family means everything to me...my daughter hates us not being together. The truth is...we get along wonderfully. I just hate feeling like I'm always in his shadow. There is always something WRONG with me...I know that I'm not perfect. I freak out under pressure, I am incredibly hard on myself, and I will always be a bit dramatic.
This is me. I wish to improve, but I don't wish to change. And I don't think I should EVER be made to feel bad about even my weakest points. I have heart. I care incredible amounts. I always wish to do the right things.
The scars that I have endured through this relationship - 4 cheating scenarios...Can you really recover from that? Maybe...with time, work, patience. Yet, when do I get to be happy?
I am tired of being a ball on the floor...crying about my life.
I am tired of being frozen in fear...wondering why I can't make a change.
Every second that I am here...wondering...waiting...I am losing time being happy.
My number one priority is to regain my happiness. I don't want to wait for someone or something to change, because my power is within me. I feel it.
Freckles was gone 10 days. There I was...alone...a mom...a full time preschool teacher and gymnastics coach...and I was the happiest, most free that I had felt in a long time.
Don't get me wrong - it was hard and painful. I cried almost every night, but inside of me - I knew I could do it, and I did.
The stability, well...I guess that comes in time. It's never going to be as stable with one person and no second back up plan. It's never going to be EASY. I don't think it means that I can't be happy though.
I just hope I can keep this attitude up.