I have been pondering the idea of stability beyond marriage. I know that to find TRUE stability, I have to find it within myself. To do this, I have to find a way to make enough money and have benefits to really be comfortable leaving Mr. Freckles for good.
I still struggle with the idea of leaving Freckles for good. My family means everything to me...my daughter hates us not being together. The truth is...we get along wonderfully. I just hate feeling like I'm always in his shadow. There is always something WRONG with me...I know that I'm not perfect. I freak out under pressure, I am incredibly hard on myself, and I will always be a bit dramatic.
This is me. I wish to improve, but I don't wish to change. And I don't think I should EVER be made to feel bad about even my weakest points. I have heart. I care incredible amounts. I always wish to do the right things.
The scars that I have endured through this relationship - 4 cheating scenarios...Can you really recover from that? Maybe...with time, work, patience. Yet, when do I get to be happy?
I am tired of being a ball on the floor...crying about my life.
I am tired of being frozen in fear...wondering why I can't make a change.
Every second that I am here...wondering...waiting...I am losing time being happy.
My number one priority is to regain my happiness. I don't want to wait for someone or something to change, because my power is within me. I feel it.
Freckles was gone 10 days. There I was...alone...a mom...a full time preschool teacher and gymnastics coach...and I was the happiest, most free that I had felt in a long time.
Don't get me wrong - it was hard and painful. I cried almost every night, but inside of me - I knew I could do it, and I did.
The stability, well...I guess that comes in time. It's never going to be as stable with one person and no second back up plan. It's never going to be EASY. I don't think it means that I can't be happy though.
I just hope I can keep this attitude up.
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Keep it up friend...the strength, the hope, the optimism about the future...glad to see you posting again, I've missed reading about what's going on with you!
ReplyDeleteI love how you're realizing that this comes from you. You may be ok without Freckles but you might be ok with him too... if you can see yourself more clearly, resolve some things, get him to seek help and understanding of why he's cheated... instead of, as some couples do, acting as if it never happened. Lots to reconcile there.
ReplyDeleteTake care of you, keep up your learning and strength. It will all work out.