Yesterday, my post was a little inspired by T's bad date post! It gave me some of perspective on my own behaviors during the up/down relationship. I wanted the attention from a man, I craved someone WANTING me. See, something in my marriage that we hadn't had since we had our accidental pregnancy was...CHEMISTRY. And yes, Chemistry was something I was DRUNK on in the up/down relationship.
I enjoyed being craved, loved, and adored in bed. Problem was...every time I got sick, or something when wrong...he was gone. Gone was the love, adoration, and attention. This was the abuse cycle that I'm very familiar.
Now the abuse cycle has shown up in my relationships in a variety of ways. Somehow the feeling that "I'm not good enough" always finds a way to be reinforced in every relationship that I have. Yet, something is different for me right now.
I feel stronger, not in the - I need to be strong because that's what single women are...or the kind where I have to suffer for the cause...but the kind where I just feel sure that I will stand up for myself and ask for what I need.
See, the up/down relationship - I never asked for what I needed, I expected him to serve me an emotional connection that he was incapable of providing. When I finally realized what I needed...well...I asked for it.
Bummer - he couldn't provide it. The End.
But the difference? I asked. I demanded. I needed someone to be there for me when I was having a rough day. Why couldn't he give it? Well, first, he was unavailable. Second, I was unwilling to give it to him because I was unavailable. The bottom line? The key to my unhappiness in the relationship all was with me...I have not changed enough, I have not dealt with my own issues in order to be open and vulnerable. Therefore, I cannot attract someone with the same qualities.
I want a prince when I'm still a frog...
Now I don't mean that in a self-defeating way. I know that I'm fun, kind, caring, and awesome. but...
Iz got issues...as do we all...and I have constantly shoved them down deep to not deal with them. I haven't dealt with the ending of my marriage, my deep rooted trust issues, or the intense need to be perfect. I haven't dealt with my inability to be vulnerable.
I'm not sure this means I need to stop my life and deal with them...it's just time to go out there and focus on me. I think it means - I need to do more work. But I also think, more than anything...I need to VALUE myself, my feelings, my instincts.