Yesterday, my post was a little inspired by T's bad date post! It gave me some of perspective on my own behaviors during the up/down relationship. I wanted the attention from a man, I craved someone WANTING me. See, something in my marriage that we hadn't had since we had our accidental pregnancy was...CHEMISTRY. And yes, Chemistry was something I was DRUNK on in the up/down relationship.
I enjoyed being craved, loved, and adored in bed. Problem was...every time I got sick, or something when wrong...he was gone. Gone was the love, adoration, and attention. This was the abuse cycle that I'm very familiar.
Now the abuse cycle has shown up in my relationships in a variety of ways. Somehow the feeling that "I'm not good enough" always finds a way to be reinforced in every relationship that I have. Yet, something is different for me right now.
I feel stronger, not in the - I need to be strong because that's what single women are...or the kind where I have to suffer for the cause...but the kind where I just feel sure that I will stand up for myself and ask for what I need.
See, the up/down relationship - I never asked for what I needed, I expected him to serve me an emotional connection that he was incapable of providing. When I finally realized what I needed...well...I asked for it.
Bummer - he couldn't provide it. The End.
But the difference? I asked. I demanded. I needed someone to be there for me when I was having a rough day. Why couldn't he give it? Well, first, he was unavailable. Second, I was unwilling to give it to him because I was unavailable. The bottom line? The key to my unhappiness in the relationship all was with me...I have not changed enough, I have not dealt with my own issues in order to be open and vulnerable. Therefore, I cannot attract someone with the same qualities.
I want a prince when I'm still a frog...
Now I don't mean that in a self-defeating way. I know that I'm fun, kind, caring, and awesome. but...
Iz got issues...as do we all...and I have constantly shoved them down deep to not deal with them. I haven't dealt with the ending of my marriage, my deep rooted trust issues, or the intense need to be perfect. I haven't dealt with my inability to be vulnerable.
I'm not sure this means I need to stop my life and deal with them...it's just time to go out there and focus on me. I think it means - I need to do more work. But I also think, more than anything...I need to VALUE myself, my feelings, my instincts.
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You do need all of this. You do need to look at these things and work on them.
ReplyDeleteBut you also need to realize that LOVE CAN MEET YOU WHERE YOU ARE.
Once you are open to the deservedness of it - if that's even a word! - you can have someone help you with it. If you are willing...
Thanks for this. I still fight with this cycle myself. I think we all have work to do, ya know?
Yes, T. Well put. I still am unsure how to give into the love, which I feel comes with understanding and realizing that I DO deserve better.
ReplyDeleteI don't think I did feel like I deserved it, and because of my intense fear of another bad relationship - I searched and searched for things that were wrong to end it. I think this is where my sickness came in, my feeling that he wasn't over his ex (although he wasn't and I had a hard time hearing his sadness over it), how he wasn't there for me enough, etc. I think I realize that a lot of my prevention of happiness came at my own hands, my own fear.
However, I do have to say...regardless, Freckles and I are doing better as friends. He even agreed to a few counseling sessions and, if necessary, to work toward an amicable divorce settlement where I could make the move near my family members WITHOUT a fight. I can't assume that this will be OK in a few weeks, but I do feel at peace in attempts to end things. So, the point of all that - I think all of it happens for a reason. = )
I just have to believe I deserve it, and I think that starts (as you say T) with taking care of me. = )
Reading the comment here - first, so glad you and Freckles are becoming friends, that's great. Second, I think you already ARE working on you and you should expect the best when it comes to love and you deserve it. But you do need to take care of you first, and sometimes that means on your own, not dating, not in a relationship, but alone. That's what I determined myself, and it has brought me where I am today - at the start of something very special!
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