Student Mama

I said NO, and meant it.

2010-09-20T14:22:00.000-07:00

Today, I'm proud.

I felt like I wavered momentarily only. That brief thought that maybe I should unblock this person from my life.

But I knew better this time.

His words only vaguely touched my heart. "I miss you."

I jokingly said "When are you going to realize I'm worth the trouble?"

He laughed, "I'm tired of other girls."

My smile fades...*sigh* I only get sick to my stomach hoping that all those times he said that to me before weren't accompanied with other women.

"I feel like the last time was our final time."

And that was it. He smiled and walked away.

I did it. This time. I proved to myself, I am stronger.

Controlling the mind

2010-09-19T10:55:00.000-07:00

Moving forward is about finding moments of familiarity in the middle of the storm of uncertainty... And running the hell away from them.

That is the way I explain the stage in my life right now.

Fear is very powerful. We all know that. Fear causes you to run to things that are toxic, simply because you know them. You understand that they are toxic, at the very least, and that is so much more comfortable than change. I have noticed fear is a powerful driving force in my life. So, that brings me back to why?

I don't believe in myself. Freckles has pointed out to me how every time I have uttered the phrase: I can't do it...I turn around and figure out a way to do it. Maybe inadvertently, mostly not because I was trying so hard to plan. Mostly, things work out...for those that don't - there is a reason.

The mind seems to be the hardest to control.

Never look back...it distracts from the NOW.

2010-09-15T14:13:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I admit. I stole it from Edna in the Incredibles. The benefit of being a mom is I get to profit off all the lost wisdom in children's movies.

I think there is an incredible balance between finding life lessons in past experiences, and moving forward. It is important to reflect on the past in order to grow in the future. Some people, like me, learn their lessons slowly....so one thing I am trying to develop is my sense of intuition regarding people and situations. Chance are, upon reflection, I knew early on that it wasn't a good situation. In turn, I'm attempting to learn my lessons the first time...

I have an ability to go back to a bad situation hoping something will be different, when nothing has changed. And I think all of us have heard the definition of insanity.

People change. Sure, they do. When something changes enough in their life so that their way of acting simply doesn't work anymore. If it works...there is no reason to stop. Yet, all I can control is myself...me changing, so I demand more and don't accept less.

My mother is desperately like this. She gets fed up with bad behavior and lets it affect her deeply...knowing full well that she is unable to trust certain people or situations from prior experience. Yet, she goes back...over and over again, and gets hurt over and over again.

Somehow we always end up getting hurt. Sometimes you just have to say...I can't trust this person. When it's family, though, it makes it tough. When it's your children's father...well...you have to make some tough choices.

I want to move away. 300 miles. Close to my lil one's grandmother (who has helped raise her), and her uncles with their new babies (my brothers who I am incredibly close). So I have to make some tough choices...and decide if it's better to grow up with dad, or with a community of people who can help raise her?

So...

2010-09-14T12:09:00.000-07:00

I realized yesterday didn't make a ton of sense. Please just get used to me being random and jumbled for awhile as I settle back into blogging again.

Yesterday, my post was a little inspired by T's bad date post! It gave me some of perspective on my own behaviors during the up/down relationship. I wanted the attention from a man, I craved someone WANTING me. See, something in my marriage that we hadn't had since we had our accidental pregnancy was...CHEMISTRY. And yes, Chemistry was something I was DRUNK on in the up/down relationship.

I enjoyed being craved, loved, and adored in bed. Problem was...every time I got sick, or something when wrong...he was gone. Gone was the love, adoration, and attention. This was the abuse cycle that I'm very familiar.

Now the abuse cycle has shown up in my relationships in a variety of ways. Somehow the feeling that "I'm not good enough" always finds a way to be reinforced in every relationship that I have. Yet, something is different for me right now.

I feel stronger, not in the - I need to be strong because that's what single women are...or the kind where I have to suffer for the cause...but the kind where I just feel sure that I will stand up for myself and ask for what I need.

See, the up/down relationship - I never asked for what I needed, I expected him to serve me an emotional connection that he was incapable of providing. When I finally realized what I needed...well...I asked for it.

Bummer - he couldn't provide it. The End.

But the difference? I asked. I demanded. I needed someone to be there for me when I was having a rough day. Why couldn't he give it? Well, first, he was unavailable. Second, I was unwilling to give it to him because I was unavailable. The bottom line? The key to my unhappiness in the relationship all was with me...I have not changed enough, I have not dealt with my own issues in order to be open and vulnerable. Therefore, I cannot attract someone with the same qualities.

I want a prince when I'm still a frog...

Now I don't mean that in a self-defeating way. I know that I'm fun, kind, caring, and awesome. but...

Iz got issues...as do we all...and I have constantly shoved them down deep to not deal with them. I haven't dealt with the ending of my marriage, my deep rooted trust issues, or the intense need to be perfect. I haven't dealt with my inability to be vulnerable.

I'm not sure this means I need to stop my life and deal with them...it's just time to go out there and focus on me. I think it means - I need to do more work. But I also think, more than anything...I need to VALUE myself, my feelings, my instincts.

Ahhh...it's been awhile.

2010-09-13T18:14:00.000-07:00

There is nothing settled in my life. Nothing has changed dramatically. I'm still within an indecisive territory, not really sure what is next. One thing I learned about being indecisive that sometimes moving at all...is better than staying stagnant.

So...today...I applied for my own insurance.

Now I know it seems like a small step in the grand scheme of things but it symbolized my desire to do SOMETHING. Maybe it's not definitive or even a sign that something will change, but it was something small that I could do, today, in order to get moving forward.

I am ashamed to say that I went back to the up/down relationship this summer, and now the finality of it all seems real.

I felt good with this man. He had a way of making my whole body just FEEL good. I hadn't had that in years...so I indulged, over indulged. It certainly reminded me of Eat. Pray. Love. where she finds herself unable to be balanced every time she is with a man. This type of imbalance causes so many problems. My health dove into the depths of darkness to warn me. I didn't listen. I wanted to be so far away from Freckles, I latched onto this man who had a connection with me.

Unfortunately, I still suffer from sore throats, nipple pain, occasional pelvic pain, and I'm doing the Candida detox from a year of excessive antibiotics.

Yes, I'm not better. I'm concerned my insurance application will be denied or heinously expensive simply because I've had so many health issues this year. Fortunately, prior, I had not once used my insurance.

We'll see, I cannot control it, so I release it. The worst that can happen is they deny me.

Here's to creating positivity and moving forward, whatever that means.

Reflection time

2010-08-01T14:19:00.001-07:00

I have been so busy that I haven't had time to think. Life seems like it's been on fast forward for the past month. Now that it's time to slow down...I can breathe...and rethink everything.

I have been pondering the idea of stability beyond marriage. I know that to find TRUE stability, I have to find it within myself. To do this, I have to find a way to make enough money and have benefits to really be comfortable leaving Mr. Freckles for good.

I still struggle with the idea of leaving Freckles for good. My family means everything to me...my daughter hates us not being together. The truth is...we get along wonderfully. I just hate feeling like I'm always in his shadow. There is always something WRONG with me...I know that I'm not perfect. I freak out under pressure, I am incredibly hard on myself, and I will always be a bit dramatic.

This is me. I wish to improve, but I don't wish to change. And I don't think I should EVER be made to feel bad about even my weakest points. I have heart. I care incredible amounts. I always wish to do the right things.

The scars that I have endured through this relationship - 4 cheating scenarios...Can you really recover from that? Maybe...with time, work, patience. Yet, when do I get to be happy?

I am tired of being a ball on the floor...crying about my life.

I am tired of being frozen in fear...wondering why I can't make a change.

Every second that I am here...wondering...waiting...I am losing time being happy.

My number one priority is to regain my happiness. I don't want to wait for someone or something to change, because my power is within me. I feel it.

Freckles was gone 10 days. There I was...alone...a mom...a full time preschool teacher and gymnastics coach...and I was the happiest, most free that I had felt in a long time.

Don't get me wrong - it was hard and painful. I cried almost every night, but inside of me - I knew I could do it, and I did.

The stability, well...I guess that comes in time. It's never going to be as stable with one person and no second back up plan. It's never going to be EASY. I don't think it means that I can't be happy though.

I just hope I can keep this attitude up.

Some new thoughts.

2010-07-04T17:34:00.000-07:00

Through this whole thing, I have focused on the negative. The mistakes that I've made. I rarely focus on my accomplishments, and the positive aspects of myself. Lately, I thought I'd make a change.

You see, when I really thought about it...I realized, without meaning to, that I WAS becoming the person I was meant to be. I am goofy, and loud, and a little weird. Yet, I'm also intuitive and emotional - when I experience things...I REALLY experience them. I really LIKE who I am...anxiety and neurotic tendencies and all.

I am stronger, wiser, and much more resilient than I have ever been.

How do I know this? I actually paid attention to the contrary evidence of me being a bad, irresponsible, and weak person.

For awhile, I've felt so down about myself. I haven't wanted to post because I felt too raw. There was nothing I wanted to share because there was no skin over my wounds. When I was able to change the one thing I could control - everything started feeling better...and better.

It was my...perspective.

After my break up with Freckles - I sought out some sort of connection to another person. I WANTED to feel desirable and beautiful and...ALIVE again. I had been cheated on, run over, and squashed. yeah yeah yeah - I sought it out in another person and that's never a good thing...but our connections to others ARE a piece of who were are/become.

I'm not seeking to justify my choices...I'm simply going through the thought processes of my change in perspective. In life, we don't make mistakes, we get feedback.

I had the talk with my partner about being exclusive, we both were tested (although not completely out of the time frame for all of them - which was my first point of feedback from this), and we had a sexual relationship AFTER my husband and I were living in separate homes.

I focused on the fact that I didn't use condoms (we started out with them), I wasn't divorced, I didn't know the guy for a long time, and I was fresh off a separation (All major no no's in my moral code). I got caught in a guilt cycle and couldn't learn from these because I was caught calling them mistakes.

There were good and bad decisions in there. I learned so much from it all, and due to it - I feel much more equipped if I do enter the dating scene again or even if I did turn out to have contracted something.

You see...I learned that 1) through changing my perspective about my behavior, my actions were the best I could do with where I was at the time 2) I was very naive regarding sex, and STI's 3) There are no guarantee's, or mistakes...You just have to do the best you can and life will happen the way it does.

I know now...people will show you who they are. There is no protection. I went back to Freckles hoping to seek some sort of protection from the big bad world. It's like...forming some attachment to the person who has hurt you because, at the very least, YOU KNOW you will get hurt again.

Damn Fear.

I feel better, it may not last for long...but somehow through believing that I can contracted a life-threatening illness, it really helped me understand that this is the time to live for what I WANT verse delaying gratification to some later date when life circumstances will magically be different.

After all, only I can make my life circumstances different...as the poem Invictus says,

I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul

Damn Fear.

2010-07-03T11:30:00.000-07:00

I'm scared.

You see, I have had these weird bumps orally since January. I've gone to the DR over 10 times, and no one has been able to give me an answer.

The oral bumps were the reason I thought I had something serious - your body doesn't just freak out for no reason.

Apparently oral bumps can mean that you have some sort of immune deficiency. However, there are no red flags in my blood work.

With HIV, you generally don't see physical manifestations for years - until it has taken a toll on your immune system.

Yet, here I am - I still have them and they become painful and white every few weeks, generally with the rise and fall of my hormone level. I have been getting white spots on the back of my lower mouth.

I was finally referred to an internist that was from San Francisco - experienced with seeing HIV in patients. Unfortunately by the time he could see me, they were not in pain or white.

Then I got strep throat and had to take antibiotics again which have a host of issues for the stomach and mouth.

Now, they are back but I don't have time to go to the DR during the week due to my new position at work.

Damn Fear.

This time, hiding from the fear - well that won't work. I think it's time to face it.

Pema Chodron says that Happiness is getting to know disappointment - facing uncomfortable feelings instead of packing them away or covering them.

Today, I am sitting with my discomfort. I'm uncomfortable, I want to run to Freckles. Yet, I think the only long term solution is finding a way for me to be stable...on my own. My counselor reminded me...with stability comes the freedom. Trying to get that freedom any other way, well, I cannot break the cycle of what is attracting me to utility in relationships.

I need to find MY stability. I CAN do that. I CAN do this. I WILL do this.

Damn Fear.

My goal

2010-07-02T19:06:00.000-07:00

Through major counseling, I have found my biggest issue...

FEAR.

Fear paralyzes me, and it has been instrumental in me giving Freckles too many chances.

In counseling, though, I was confessing my need to stay with Freckles and the desire to still be with the up/down relationship.

Freckles is stability and a "normal" life. Up/down is Freedom and living life for me.

I think I got sick so I could truly understand what the single life meant. It meant relying on me.

It didn't mean being free of worries, or hardships, or pain. It meant freedom to learn how to rely on myself, how to make ends meet, and how to encounter loneliness.

My counselor reminds me - regardless of support, I AM doing it alone.

Freckles still feels like an option though, and the next step is taking him completely off the table.

I'm a College Graduate...but not yet smart.

2010-06-20T09:33:00.000-07:00

So...I graduated. Yeup, after five long years, baby in tow, and countless nights banging my head for straight A's...I graduated. And it DOES feel different.

I'm happy that I've reached this point, yet my life remains so much in limbo. My counselor reminds me that I'm doing this...I am alone, I am paying my bills (I am also fortunate that b's dad does not let go of his financial obligations), and I'm relatively happy.

I've spent so many nights in bed crying over Freckles, up/down boy, and love that is lost. I have gone back both over and over again. This time, I'm chilling.

I realized that I pleaded with God...I pleaded with Freckles...with apologies. In the end, I'm not that sorry for the up/down relationship. I am sorry that I was not careful with my body. I am very sorry that I may have compromised my health due to it, but I'm not sorry for that relationship.

I really did find someone who mirrored me exactly, and because I was open to it - I can see now that I am not who I want to be.

Right now: I run away when problems come up, I avoid pain and discomfort, I'm still very much happy with status quo, and I go for feeling good verses long term betterment.

I really need to spend some time, curled in, and taking a look at myself. I need to be OK with failing. I run before I fail, and that's why I keep making the same mistakes over and over. I never really let myself make the mistake...I never really learn my lesson.

My counselor told me that there are no mistakes...only feedback. So, I have a lot of feedback. I have grown. I believe in myself more than I did yesterday, and that counts for something.

The trick is knowing...there is no protection for life. You just have to live it and yes, you may take precautions but it is still no guarantee that you won't get burned.

My next step is honesty with myself and others. I want to be transparent, I want to look in the mirror and feel like I'm not hiding from anyone or anything.

I want to find ME, and that is simply one of the processes of life.

Funny thing about Life.

2010-06-04T19:28:00.000-07:00

Life has a funny way of revealing to you just who someone is...and who they will continue to be...

Change is such a funny thing - you expect it, hold onto hope, but ultimately people are just who they are. And that's OK, because it will be OK for someone else...just not me.Freckles is just...who he is...And that isn't OK for me, but someone else may be able to handle it.

I just don't have to. It's extremely hard to face this reality, but it is what it is...

I read Baggage Reclaim today, such a helpful website.

He says: I would kill myself trying to make you happy.

Translation: Even if I’m not making you happy, you should be grateful for what I’m doing because I believe it’s a lot. I’m busting a gut here! I have decided what I want to give and what I think you need, and I will give on that basis. You should be grateful! I’d go to the ends of the earth for you…as long as it was no further than the end of my drive.

Freckles often says: I would do anything for you, I never meant to hurt you, and I do everything for you.

But he doesn't. He doesn't realize that he has a problem...it's not alcohol, it's not drugs...it's women.

I just got wind of unfortunate behavior. I don't expect him to be perfect, but it was in my workplace and it was hurtful. I confronted it and it was confirmed.

If there hadn't been other women where this SAME problem occurred - I probably would think it was a rumor, or a misunderstanding...but this is a pattern...and at first it made me angry, and then sad, and then...I've accepted it's who he is...

I feel disrespected, and honestly - I'm tired of it.

I am OK.

2010-05-27T09:07:00.000-07:00

I'm wondering if my last post was a bit misunderstood.

I don't need a man...in fact, through counseling, I've discovered it isn't so much being alone that scares me - it's the inability to take care of myself through financial means.

I've been a stay at home mom for 5 years, and I know plenty of strong women who have managed the courage to leave their husbands (or kick their husbands out!) without any idea of how to take the next step. I'm not really one of those women.

I don't have insurance. My job pays close to nothing. I'm graduating from college in a week.

So, when my thoughts went to a chronic illness - which I was/am worried about having contracted...well...I got a little more than fearful.

I've been without insurance, and it's scary as hell. I've been pregnant without insurance, and it's scary as hell. Sometimes I wonder if I'm repeating the same pattern - something life altering occurring causing me to cling to stability (i.e. Freckles).

Freckles is in counseling working on his commitment issues. I have really asked for his help on many occasions, and we've spent good time together. I can't help but wonder if I'm falling into the fallback girl trap - am I waiting for him to change because it will validate me as a person...if he changes for me, then really - I am worth something? hm. I think this is important to ponder.

I got into a pretty bad car accident a week ago. My car was totaled, couldn't drive if from the scene. I spent the night in the hospital, Freckles at my side. I wondered - how can someone be so utterly reliable in one way, and so blatantly UNRELIABLE in other ways (i.e. fidelity)?

So I have no car, graduating in a week, no insurance, my mom (my ONLY babysitter) is moving away this month, I've had to miss 2 weeks of work (through Boss' orders), still sick and no one knows what it is, its the end of the school year and I don't know where my daughter will go to kindergarten, and...and....

I'm alive and my daughter is healthy. I have a home. I have family who supports me. The morning is sunny and beautiful. I will be graduating after 5 long years of hard work. I have a job. I have food, water, and clothing...and...

I am OK.

I need a man...

2010-05-15T12:15:00.000-07:00

As I spent last night to myself, I started having these detailed sex dreams about a dude in my class.

Now both of us have playful banter, and recently he tried to hook me up with a friend but I think we scared the other guy off with our chemistry. So, it's not completely out of no where. However, as I was examining the feeling I had last night - I was lonely, I was scared, and I was nervous because things with Freckles just don't feel comfortable.

I was completely using some fantasy of schoolboy to detract from the pain I was feeling regarding my "marriage" and the ending of the up/down relationship. Plus, I was getting off on this new attention - like I was worth something because of it.

*sigh*

The reality is...I am in pursuit of my own self-worth. I am spending time alone to try and figure this part of me out.

I'm not really sure where to start this journey, but I do have some reprogramming to do...

I don't need a man to make me whole.

Having a man doesn't make me a better person.

Having the man is the icing on the cake - I need to bake the cake first.

My journey..

2010-05-09T12:36:00.000-07:00

The up/down relationship guy got fed up. He refused to be my "fallback girl/guy." I don't blame him. I wasn't being very fair.

To clarify, we had ended things awhile ago, but there was a minor level of communication still since then. Mostly texting back and forth. We weren't seeing each other and I was putting up boundaries in our small level of communication. I wasn't willing to do the dirty texts that we'd done when we were in a relationship. In all reality, I really love spending time with him. Yet, he has so many difficulties in his life that he has to work through on his own. I cannot be the crutch in his life. I felt like the relationship was toxic, and I wasn't brave enough to say it.

So that's the reality, and it hurts a lot. He did feed into my ego in many ways. Someone, on twitter, asked Deepak Chopra how to ignore the ego. The response: Don't ignore, just watch it & it will get embarrassed. I feel that now.

I feel like life is a bit at a standstill. I am choosing to view that as a gift, instead of a roadblock. I'm trying to appreciate what is in the day. Living in from moment to moment provides much more depth than living in the future. I'm trying to find comfort in the present moment, the idea that what we can control is our actions today...and...tomorrow...the next day...is all unknown.

Deepak Chopra also says, "When you blame and criticize others, you are avoiding some truth about yourself."

I notice how much I blame Freckles for his role in the downfall of our marriage. I suppose I fear that I will be blamed for the downfall. I do take some of the blame - I was selfish, I was not honest, and a lot of times - I was very mean. I have spent time justifying my behavior but, in reality, our marriage was in trouble. Our relationship was a lie from the beginning, and that is very depressing. Maybe, in some ways, he was braver than I was. However, the road he took to get his needs met was wrong - I see that...there is never a justification for it.

I don't like who I was in that relationship - I was a victim. He was a caretaker. I let him take the lead in almost everything and I was happy to sit in the backseat, it's easier. I am falling back into that trap - him taking care of me. I am looking for the strength to push forward with or without him. Rachel Sarah reminds us: A Man is not a Plan.

A man has always been my plan. It's like I'm a parasite, leeching onto each person trying to get all the life I can out of them! Ew.

I think I am comfortable to find my strength. Maybe the lessons here for me are real: you cannot be everything to everyone, but you must be everything to yourself.

I am trying to understand that more clearly these days.

Realizing

2010-05-08T16:47:00.000-07:00

I am reading a lot about individuals who have been through the divorce process...and they are so happy...

But I realize that there was a time they were feeling just like I do...

It's a process. Just as life is...

And right now, the part of the process that I'm in is that I'm...feeling alone, depressed, sad, scared, and uncomfortable. Others have been here before, and they survived. I can't look at the outcome and expect myself to be there.

I've had a tough 2 years DAMMIT!

My husband cheated on me, we went to counseling for a year, and split. He moved out, we both got involved with other people, and I wasn't that careful. I had health problems and STD scares. I'm learning to be a single mom, and independent woman. I'm learning who I am outside of who I was in a marriage. I'm working for the first time in 5 years, going to school full time, and graduating.

It's overwhelming. I'm grieving over the marriage and and my up/down relationship post separation.

It's tough stuff. I'm just realizing that I do need to give myself a break, relax, and understand that the process cannot be rushed.

I'm not over it, though, I'm figuring it out...slowly...I'm not going to let these life struggles bring me down. And as Jolene over at To Be Determined wrote yesterday:

“The greatness comes not when things go always good for you. But the greatness comes when you’re really tested, when you take some knocks, some disappointments, when sadness comes.”

Connecting to dysfunction.

2010-05-04T19:36:00.000-07:00

I see this all the time and the key issue with falling for people because you perceive them to be wounded, is aside from having your own issues with control, it’s that you make dangerous assumptions about the person, almost because you pity them and believe that they ‘need’ you to fix/heal/help them and add whatever is missing to their lives.

-Baggage Reclaim

I knew when the up/down guy said "I need you" - I was in trouble.

Ick. How did I get HERE?

I didn't want to FIX anyone! I don't have healing power.

That was our last break up.

I still miss him.

I thought I fell...but it was just the connection to dysfunction.

I remember the dysfunction.

I woke up.

Accepting way too little

2010-05-02T08:31:00.000-07:00

I justify a lot and I like attention. When I get it - I hang onto it, even through the times that I feel really bad.

I was reading the book "He's Just Not That Into You" the other day. I bought it awhile ago, after one of the break ups with up/down guy. It didn't really speak to me until I cut things off with him for good. I picked it up and felt very disconnected because he was calling, texting, wanting to see me...hell, I was the one that was still married - maybe I just wasn't that into him.

Through my latest pain, I think, I felt drawn to read it again so that I didn't go back. I wanted to go back...the up/down guy and I had distinct chemistry...some of the hottest, dirtiest, and passionate sex I'd ever had. *fans self*

Alright, back to relationships. *ahem*

I spent time reading a few passages in the book and came across a gem from the woman author explaining the gauge for a good/bad relationship. She points out that it is tough for women to stand up for themselves without completely sounding like a drama queen, and without putting the new guy through the the ringer for the past douches' mistakes. Yet, the right gauge is a subtle one - if you feel a little bad about yourself once...probably an insecurity...if you feel pretty bad a couple of times...time to address it...if you feel bad, are staring at your phone frequently, and are starting to get the wild thoughts - it's time to break up.

Hm. It gave me a pretty good guideline to, at least, start thinking about it. I have operated off of the "if you have to ask...or use the word 'but' to describe him to your friends (i.e. he didn't call on time BUT he's a really good kisser)...it's time to reevaluate." The problem is - I'm an overthinker, I'm always asking that.

The male author is more distinct - if he rejected you once, don't go back. Trying to listen to that one. It's tough!

One thing for sure - I've accepted way to little, and justified way too much. Change is necessary within me to ensure that I can start to heal from all this pain in the past year.

I put up a boundary last night with the up/down guy who recently contacted me again. It's time to start standing up for myself and trusting my instincts. Man, it felt better to do it. Let's see if I can stick to it.

Familiar Patterns

2010-04-30T08:23:00.001-07:00

After saying goodbye to the up/down relationship - I started talking with Freckles again about a possible reconciliation.

We've been spending time together. It's been sort of eye opening.

After reading the trusty Baggage reclaim - I realized this very line IS me...

"You may also find that you are inadvertently disrespectful to others as you impose your vision of things on them, tell them the changes that you expect, or try to force your love on them."

I did this throughout my entire marriage to Freckles. I believed he had some really good qualities - stability, honesty, and independence. I thought I could teach him the rest. Little did I know, my own dishonesty with myself was attracting the same in a partner.

Freckles and I still have difficulty with honesty.

The up/down relationship had the same problems. I enjoyed how he listened to me, adhered to SOME of my boundaries, and was kind. Yet, there was a high level of avoidance and "feeling good" that he put value on that I didn't...or I didn't think I did - until I thought about my actions during our relationship. I guess I was guilty as charged.

I made a list of all the things I valued in a partner, and I went through to do an honest assessment if I really felt that I lived those values...What do you think the result was?

I remember writing a post [funny how you can never find those pesky things when you need them] about the fact that when you accept someone - they are as is. It is their choice to grow and change...complaining about their faults only makes the expression of your feelings less valid. It's YOUR responsibility to choose what you will accept.

I've accepted far too less in the past. I'm working on positive boundaries and a more honest assessment of myself. Today, I'm choosing love, kindness, and respect.

Negativity.

2010-04-25T23:09:00.000-07:00

I feel like my life is covered in negativity right now - breeding more and more.

I have been so busy with work, school, single parenting, and trying to figure out my health that really...there has been no time for exercise, relaxation, or self-love.

Plus, with the guilt that I've imposed on myself through my relationship post-separation...well...I've let myself get run down and exposed in the worst ways.

This week - I'm committing to getting back to my core. I'm unhappy. I'm run down. I'm full of anxiety.

I want to find the happiness in my life again, and I have a feeling there are so many things already existing in my life that, if appreciated, will help me center again.

I wrote about Happiness as acceptance. I have faith that whatever my life path - I will make the best of it.

My gut...well...my gut is sending my signals lately. Centering myself will help me listen.

Guilt.

2010-04-24T14:20:00.000-07:00

I grew up in an Italian family.

My father was actually born in Puerto Rico, but his father was Italian and my family embraced that culture. We argued passionately but defended each other to the death. My dad was abusive. He beat my mom - broke her arm, threw water on her head. Somehow, in counseling it was all revealed had my mom "not made him so mad - it would be OK."

Bullshit.

I don't believe that the Italian culture promotes this type of behavior necessarily. I do know that this behavior was taught to my father through a lot of enabling from his mother. I do know that my father believed men were superior to women, and the fact that my mom was a successful career woman while my father had difficulty keeping a job was a couple blows to the ego.

So, my family. We're Italian, and Catholic.

There was always guilt. If you weren't following along with family functions you were yelled at or you got the guilt trip. Didn't answer the phone when my nana called? "You don't love me anymore." Didn't eat enough at dinner? "You don't appreciate me." Ate too much at dinner? "My God, you're getting fat."

It was sort of like this endless cycle of not being good enough. Hence, the little voice in my head that likes to tell me the same thing.

So, I accept shit...and I treat it like roses. I rationalize the worst of someones behavior. I'm constantly trying to see the best in other people.

But here I am. Separated. In limbo. Worried about an STD. Broken Hearted. And I have to say...

I'm a fucking person. I'm not always smart. I do stupid shit. I don't need to try and make myself feel better about what I did - I did it...and whatever reason I did it for...well...that's life. This is it - this is ALL I GET. So why the hell am I wasting it trying to pretend I'm something other than I am? I'm not perfect. I didn't learn all the lessons from my relationship with Freckles yet. I'm not strong enough to say I left my marriage, got a divorce, and then waited 3 years until I discovered who I am.

No, instead, I separated from my husband, began dating within the month, pushed Freckles out of the house, became intimate with a new guy, regretted it including the guilt of H, dumped him, got back together, got dumped, got back together, dumped him - leaned on Freckles, got back together, got dumped - leaned on Freckles, and got back together, then dumped him - leaned on Freckles. Somewhere in there I believed I fell in love.

Hm...looks like a pattern driven by guilt.

"excessive feeling of guilt is demoralising. It paralyses you, preventing from positive action, robs you of your dignity and forces into a condition of a vicious circle:

Guilt - Inactivity - Nothing has been done to fix the damage - Situation retains unchanged - Sad reflection on your fault - Guilt." -Jason Stark

Guilt is the shame that I carry around for fucking up. For making decisions that I believed I was above. For being with someone who had many red flags from the get go. For becoming intimate with someone without protection even though we had been tested, I didn't trust him or myself enough for that. For chasing my wants instead of my needs. And maybe what I learned from all of this is that the real remorse and life changing events come from regret over my motive - not just the consequence. So, I kept making the same mistakes because I needed to understand that I can't make BETTER decisions until I see what was truly wrong with the first ones.

I wanted to run away from it all so badly...but either way - I ended up right back where I started.

I guess you have to face the pain to heal from it...including the guilt.

I start counseling next week.

Introducing...Ms. Unavailable

2010-04-19T14:25:00.000-07:00

For some time, I've known that I'm emotionally unavailable.

In my recent dating excursions - the close encounter I had with a relationship resulted in me pulling away every time I began getting emotionally involved. It's a scary place. I felt vulnerable. Exposed. Raw. It hurt to be emotionally invested with another individual.

Through the breaking up of that relationship, and discussions between Freckles and I - I realized that I am terrified of being alone and I'm terrified of being attached.

How does that work?

I AM the "Mr. Unavailable" that all the books write about. I call the boy when I need them, use them for my purposes, and then scamper off to the other when the first one can't give me what I want.

When did this happen?

I'm trying the No Contact rule with the up/down relationship until I make the final decision about Divorce. It's been tough. I really cared about that person. I can't tell if it's just because of our passionate exchanges that I miss him terribly, or the type of person that he believed me to be.

I don't feel like I can fulfill that role. I'm not sure I'm myself in that relationship fully.

With Freckles - I cannot get emotionally close to him. I don't believe that I have forgiven him for the cheating. I'm not sure that I can. I think he's learned some valuable lessons from us being separated, but I don't think that the trust is going to be rebuilt between us.

So why can't I let go of either one?

I need them both for my ego. Just as the Mr. Unavailable uses the Fallback girl - I'm using both of them.

This is a dark realization for me to come to - that I'm capable of using people like this for my own benefit.

I wish there was an easy answer to get out of this mess.

In a weird space

2010-04-17T11:30:00.000-07:00

Between work, school, kid, boys, and internship. I'm burned out!

I've been trying to reflect on life more but my brain is just fried.

It feels like life is going to shit, basically.

I know I'm not going to be attracting anything good with these feelings.

I launched into a tirade against the up/down relationship guy when he contacted me. *sigh*

I've either been ignoring or mean to my loved ones.

I'm projecting all my frustration and pain with life right now on people around me.

I hate that.

It's time to take some time to relax, because I'm going to hurt someone a lot if I don't stop.

Can't run away

2010-04-11T10:36:00.001-07:00

Updated: in bold

*****

There is this guy.

And he's...*sigh* amazing. (he makes me feel amazing)

He puts my jacket on, walks me to my car. He touches me just right, in a way that makes me gasp just thinking about it. Late at night, we have these amazing conversations about life, and love, and happiness.

But...

He has struggled with depression off and on. He doesn't have a close relationship with his family. He doesn't always pay his bills on time. He doesn't have a lot of experience with kids. (these are a big deal...and red flags. Ignoring them allows me to paint a vision of who he is that simply is not.)

But...

He's working through them. He takes responsibility for his happiness by going to counseling and taking anti-depressants. He knows he's being irresponsible about his finances, but it's his coping mechanism for dealing with the other things (unhealthy coping mechanism). He's excited about meeting the girl. (To which I say...my gut tells me no)

But...

We run. We run away from each other all the time. When I get crazy - he can only take so much. When he gets down - I can only take so much. (I suppose these are boundaries, not taking responsibilities for each others pain) I don't trust...My body freaks out when we are intimate. It feels like a crazy storm being together, sometimes we cling to each other and the crazy storm goes on outside of us...and soemtimes we run and get blown away in the storm. (I'm ready to be out of the storm)

So it's the ultimate dillema. Passion verses Stability. It seems like I keep going around in a circle...

the crazy circle.

(I think I realize that it's not HIM, or FRECKLES. I guess I am the common denominator in all my relationship insanity. Here I go, pushing away someone again because of my insecurities and inability to get close. Yet, I see red flags and I can't keep ignoring that they aren't there. We have fun together - there is passion...there is fun...but there is part of me that is validated in my own insecurities - that's the ME part. He often doesn't want to talk about "bad things" and I know that I don't have the emotional capacity to be with someone until I'm fully divorced.

I guess it's time to finally let him go...and that is hard.)

Let's talk about Sex.

2010-04-05T15:58:00.001-07:00

So, I came to an icky realization about myself.

I'm a horn dog with lots and lots of guilt.

Now, I don't view myself as promiscuous. All my partners have been in, what was agreed to, an exclusive relationship. However, with more than one, specifically with a Mr. Unavailable, I've fallen into the trap of getting sexually involved quickly and for the purpose of keeping them around.

I remember my first encounter with oral sex was because 1) curiosity (giggle) 2) The guy I liked was trying to choose between me and another girl. I thought my little gift would persuade him. Misguided, unfortunately.

With Freckles, I did the same thing. As soon as I found out about his affairs - I jumped on him like...well...like a desperate woman. One that has something prove!

With the up/down relationship, I engaged in sex talk early on and as soon as we got together - I wanted nothing more than to be in his pants. Now, through this all - I had an awareness that I was going for sex beyond the desire for intimacy. I wanted pleasure, I wanted love, and I wanted it now - dammit.

The thing is...in the process, I didn't respect my body very well. I didn't use protection with Freckles (including birth control - 3 months later I was with child), and with the up/down relationship - we had a talk about STDs and being tested and went for no condoms really early on (I was NOT emotionally ready for this). That, of course, led to my health scares in the past 4 months.

To this day, I have tested negative for everything as has he, and he is out of the water for HIV. I still am getting tested monthly for HIV to make sure.

But I realized something in the process...I gotta slow this down.

I am MORE than sex. I am worth more than my looks or appeal. I need to treat myself better. That includes connecting my ideas about myself with my actions. I believe that I'm a relationship girl with interest in a safe, sexual relationship only after I know and trust the person.

Problem is: I have a really difficult time trusting anyone anymore. After Freckles, it feels like my whole ideas about males is that they are destined to cheat. Meaning I don't feel safe!

And

I need better self control. Yeah, after being in a sexless marriage for the better part of the 5 years - I needed some contact!!

So, I didn't go about it the right way at all. I feel disappointed in myself for making the choices that I did - I'm still dealing with some of the pains. I felt like I was being safe, but in reality - I was naive about what "safe" is.

Safe is: what I feel comfortable with. And I pretty much feel most comfortable in bubble wrap. (HA!) Since that isn't possible, condoms are important until the relationship is long term enough that STD tests are non-questionable.

I also have some examining to do regarding sex. It is dangerous - it is an act deserving of respect, but just because I enjoy it doesn't make me a slut. I just need to find more comfort in my choices, that I'm being true to myself and what I need to feel safe and comfortable.

After all, at the end of the day, I have to look at myself in the mirror and live with my decisions...he, whoever HE is, doesn't.

Open the mind

2010-04-03T18:00:00.000-07:00

When you are feeling suffering - it is time to open the mind.

Others suffer. It is important to understand that there are others who are suffering...some less, some more. It is not important to see them, or feel their suffering, but to put your own in perspective.

When you are scared - accept the fear. Stare at the fear. Shape the fear

When you face the fear...you may shape the fear. We create the suffering from the belief that what we fear is so terrible. Everything I can create in my head is 100x worse than what is happening in the real world - therefore, by facing the fear, I can put it into perspective. All of the emotion that is related to the fear, it will clear.

Love, compassion, and courage triumph fear. Courage is the opposite of fear. We cannot generate the love, compassion, trust, and courage when we have the negative fear. Therefore, when we can face the fear...we can accept the love. We can feel and give the good feelings again.

We need not be afraid of fear, but face the fear and shape it. Fear is not always negative! We must explore it to know what it means. Repression of our own fear leads to anger...anger at others...anger at ourselves.

Do not avoid fear. Accept the fear. Face the fear.

When we live in the fear - we project it onto the world. We see our fear everywhere in the world. Our mind cannot differentiate between reality and our imagination.

The anticipation of the fear is waste of time.

I'm in the present, not in the future.

I am afraid of being alone, regretting getting divorced, being broke, unable to be close to family. I'm afraid I will get sick and be unable to care for myself, or afford care for myself. I'm afraid of being without insurance again. I'm afraid of being a single mom and suffering.

I'm afraid of being cheated on again by Freckles. I'm afraid that I'll be like my mom and abused over and over again until I can no longer trust the world. I'm afraid that Freckles will leave me once I love him again.

Right now - I am not alone. I am loved by many. I have family and friends who will never allow me to suffer alone. I may not have insurance but I can get on state aide until I can afford insurance on my own. I AM a single mom right now! I am living life, I am going to school, I DO have a job and a home. Right now, I AM well and able to take care of my daughter. I cannot say if I will regret getting a divorce, but I know that I do not want to be cheated on. I can't anticipate how someone else will treat me, but I know I feel no trust toward Freckles right now. Trust can be regained, slowly, and so can the love. However, until I change my perspective - I will always be the victim. I am strong, I am not a victim - whatever path I choose, I choose because I trust myself.

I am in the present. I am shaping my fear.

Life and Love

2010-03-28T13:58:00.000-07:00

"You are a human being, not a human was or a human will be"

I have previously blogged about my own tendency to live in the past. The past is sort of...well...safe. What has occurred is known, and we can spend hours, days, years focusing on the events in the past. That really takes us away from today.

Sometimes I spend too much time reading about others, or watching TV, or busying myself...because when I don't numb the pain - I feel the pain. And the pain is so...so...painful. But, as Karen Salmonsohn, points out that when you are feeling the pain - that means you are dealing with it, head on. That means the pain will become less and less painful.

"What you are afraid to do is a clear indicator of the next thing you need to do."

The things I'm afraid of: being alone without a safety net, having to rely on myself and my own resources, fear itself...getting a divorce...trying to find someone else, having Freckles hate me, not finding happiness, always struggling, my daughter not having stability, living a live of survival not enjoyment.

Perhaps these are indications of what I need to face. I have never been alone. Sure there were times were I was without a boyfriend for several weeks, or maybe a month or two. During this time, I would focus on myself - get into some good routines and then drop them as soon as I'd been dating someone again.

In other words, my time in between men was spent conditioning myself for the next one then I'd lose myself all over again. Sometimes I wonder if I knew myself at all during these times or if I was just biding time.

"Live Now, Procrastinate Later"

I'm seeking the things that make me happy. I was inspired by Mama Dharma's nourishment list:

*Cuddling with my daughter

*My daughter's fresh new paintings

*Iced Tea

*Close friendship

*Early morning Yoga in a quiet house

*Learning to meditate

*Leisurely walks in the neighborhood

*The beach

*Good food

*Laughter

*Fresh food (I'm working on this one!)

*Connecting the head and the heart

*Knowing myself

To name a few...

"It is the enemy who can truly teach us to practice the virtues of compassion and tolerance."

I am learning daily about compassion and tolerance. How kindness does not necessarily mean being passive. As the Dalai Lama says: "If someone has a gun and is trying to kill you, it would be reasonable to shoot back with your own gun." However, I think it is clear that emotional bullets we often shoot at others, those of pain and anger, are not meant to be hurled back. Kindness is the ultimate practice of knowing yourself - connecting the head and the heart. Understanding that others may not be able to connect the two at this time, and we are not responsible for that pain.

I am beginning to feel a little less scared, and a little more freedom. Freckles is giving me space, but I do think that I need to be more clear that I'm going to be alone right now - not "with" him or anyone. I understand that will probably increase his fear and discomfort, but I must do what is best for me right now - not compromise myself for fear of losing him. If he desires to stand by me, than he will...if not, well I will feel sad and scared.

I think it's time to have some solitude, and spend time loving myself.

Relationship of Shared Virtue

2010-03-27T10:52:00.001-07:00

Karen Salmansohn describes three types of relationships in her book, Prince Harming Syndrome: relationships of pleasure (sex), relationships of utility (money/status/beauty), and relationships of shared virtue.

My relationships go like this...

Up/down relationship = relationship of pleasure. We had fun together, and MAN the sex was GOOD. But when it came to the details, both of us couldn't figure it out. We communicated about our lives, childhoods, our fears, and our desires - but when things started going wrong, we couldn't correct it. Somehow it didn't motivate either of us to be better people or try to make any good compromises for the other. For instance, I needed to incorporate him into my life more for our relationship to get more serious (i.e. introduce him to my child), and I viewed his silence as stonewalling when it came to fixing any issues that led to our extensive break up history.

My marriage = relationship of utility. I love the stability of this relationship. Freckles makes good money, has health insurance, and I've been able to stay at home and go to school for 5 years during the course of our relationship. Yet, we both wanted different things - from where we were living to what type of family we wanted to create. Neither of us really let the other one grow, each of us always casts a shadow over the other one.

So, what does it take to get a relationship of shared virtue? I imagine it as a process, sometimes a frustrating process, whereby two individuals have an equal value in growth. Communication is open, you can talk to each other about fears, hopes, and dreams. Each individual then works to maximize their support, sometimes hold your hand through the fears, but lets you work through them individually. Yeah, they're honest - sometimes they will tell you that your fears are simply illusions, but sometimes they'll recognize when it's manifestations of past hurt and will be more gentle on you.

I view a relationship of shared virtue as a supportive partnership that focuses on individual growth first, but is able to put the ego aside in order to allow light to shine on the other. We're are each others biggest cheerleaders! We work together to be BETTER, but our growth isn't reliant on the other person. Our growth is our responsibility, the added benefit is we have someone to watch us blossom, and sometimes a friendly reminder that we haven't watered in awhile.

What do you think?

Afraid to grow.

2010-03-27T10:27:00.000-07:00

As I was going through my weekly blog reads - Freckles came by. I found myself switching the screen so he didn't see what I was reading. When he asked, I reluctantly opened up the browser and revealed what I'd been doing.

Many of the blogs I read are from single parents. I notice, honestly, that these are the individuals that are doing a lot of growing and have similar experiences. Not just because I'm traveling down separation road, but also because I grew up with a single parent. I can identify with a lot of the struggles just trying to understand my childhood more directly as well.

During my marriage, I hid under Freckles wing. I feel comfortable there. When I had my health scares, I went right back to my familiar territory - right under his wing. One thing that I really like about Freckles is that he wants me in his life despite my defects. What I haven't figured out yet is if the price is worth it.

The price is the same for the little tree in the forest that is behind the bigger trees - the one that is not as big or strong because they don't get the nourishment needed to grow. In my marriage, I often felt hindered to grow. My experience with hiding my blog reading really felt familiar. He told me that he was scared when I read these blogs because he was afraid that it would lead to us not being together ever.

I didn't brush off his concern. It's valid. Letting your partner grow IS scary. It takes true trust to feel comfort in the changes that occur with someone you love. There is comfort in complacency, but unfortunately it isn't realistic. People get depressed when they don't grow, they act out - it isn't healthy!

Finding a relationship that can acknowledge this fear and push through it - well that's important. It's one of the two aspects that I really value in a relationship, along with active communication. Of course, these two go hand and hand.

Love is like a battlefield (with myself)

2010-03-27T09:25:00.000-07:00

Learning lessons about myself has been tough. I have to be honest about how messed up I can be, while also acknowledging that I'm still strong despite these imperfections.

I can be very reactive. Especially about one particular button - the "I'm not good enough" hot spot.

I was physically abused by my father growing up. This led to a little voice in my head repeating "you aren't good enough." And it didn't go away with my dad's death. It seemed like it got louder and louder. Every time I was disappointed by someone I loved - I lashed out. "I am good enough dammit" was the corrective action, that's what people who respect themselves say...

But reading about it more - I realize that in relationships this has really hindered my ability to get close. Specifically when someone didn't call on time. This had been a particular hot spot for me because I had a boyfriend in high school that would say he would call but would NEVER call until the next day or hours later. I really felt messed up in this relationship, it was my first serious relationship. Freckles also did this - he would never call when he would be late, even HOURS late.

I felt that little voice sneaking up in my head, "You aren't good enough."

When the cheating came to light - the same voice showed up...LOUD. So I lashed out and left for 4 days, and then I came back despite the fact that Freckles didn't really want me to. He wanted space, he wanted time to himself. I didn't care (I honestly didn't feel like he had any rights anymore), and I think that led to a sense of entitlement that sped up our demise.

But "I AM GOOD ENOUGH DAMMIT."

In the up/down relationship there were a few situations where I simply didn't feel heard. That is a MAJOR hot spot for me...probably the biggest one. When my concerns are marginalized. I feel like that's the ultimate slap in the face. Yet, something I realized is that when my concerns seem marginalized - it's about me giving too much responsibility to others to show me my value instead of giving that responsibility to myself.

Now, I don't think frequent not calling on time, or feeling unheard are acceptable in a healthy relationship. However, it's important to recognize when those things happen that I'm not really upset about the action as much as how it makes me feel.

I'm still unclear about how to deal with these situations without going into full on "I'm good enough dammit" mode. Obviously understanding this tendency in myself is important. I think it's also important to stop internalizing others bad behavior. If someone is constantly not calling on time, or certain actions come up that are disrespectful - it is crossing a boundary.

Stomping, screaming, stonewalling, or constant breaking up with someone is not going to help me or the relationship. Perhaps putting up the boundary, understanding that not everyone is perfect, but in the end - I am responsible for my happiness. I am not in the business of changing others behavior, but I do know that MINE is within my reach. Sometimes this takes questioning my inner demons.

I guess I haven't found the healthy balance in enforcing my boundaries - between sounding like a total crazy and letting someone walk all over me.

Prisoner in a vortex.

2010-03-26T13:47:00.000-07:00

In the face of a very emotional year, I have realized that despite it all - I'm still alive, still breathing, still moving forward.

I'm in a vortex right now. A space where everything is sort of mixed up about what's next for me and what I should do in the future.

The voice in me says: cut off your marriage, ignore the pleas of the up and down relationship, and spend some time recovering yourself. It's been a traumatic year - between a potential divorce, my health scares, and the up and down aspects of the new relationship.

I'm burned out. So I'm spending some time laying flat on my back, doing yoga, learning to meditate, reading Karen Salmansohn self-help books, and writing.

I've spent too much time with Freckles lately, and too much time worrying about if I did the right thing cutting off the up and down relationship. I guess, yesterday, I was at peace until the up/down guy contacted me again asking me if I was sure that I wanted this...

I didn't know what to say.

I miss him, a lot. I miss the physical attention and emotional support, but things won't ever be stable with him until I'm divorced. I don't want to rush a divorce just to be with him either. My best friend was clear to point out that I need to completely be divorced before I can commit to the new relationship. I am operating out of paranoid fear when I'm with the up/down guy because Freckles is still a major component in my life. And honestly, I still haven't decided about the divorce (something I was so sure of just 3 months ago).

I need to heal over Freckles, and he has been clear in his behavior that he will not peacefully allow a relationship without a divorce in the works. That is probably fair. Yet, here I am - I feel like a prisoner in my own life, trying to escape the shackles. But even if I escape the shackles - I still will be trapped in the prison cell.

I guess I'm my own prison guard, though. So, why can't I release myself?

At peace.

2010-03-25T16:53:00.000-07:00

Today, I'm finally beginning to feel at peace with the ending of my up and down relationship. It hurt to cut things off. It hurt receiving messages from him, hearing how difficult of a time he was going through. It was hard when I responded and told him how I felt but it was met with silence.

It really is the end, and that's hard because I'm sure I fell in love.

It was intense, and dark - but wildly passionate and open. I felt freedom to explore who I was, and that scared me. A LOT!

Through this entire endeavor - I've gone from believing that I'm a victim to understanding my role in my romantic woes. I'm emotionally unavailable and terrified of commitment. This is why I always choose men who cannot commit to me. When they finally do...It scares me - I run off, or find something petty to disregard their love for me.

This up and down relationship was often on the outs due to my own fears. I was scared that he wouldn't like me for who I really was, instead of the strong and independent woman that I portrayed. When I would fall apart, I felt completely crazy. There were a few times we were on the outs because he really couldn't deal with the emotions that came from our romance. However, it always came back to center - we wanted to be together, we wanted to be intimate, we wanted to love each other.

Yet, in the end - we couldn't. I attracted someone who was like me: not over their ex, unsure about their ability to give and love, but yet deeply yearning for the attention another brings.

I had a dream one night. His ex, whom I've never met, was sitting between us in a car. One theory about dreams is the person that you are dreaming about is really you. I realized that my fear that he was not over her was really about me.

I am not over Freckles. I may not be for a long time.

But now it's time to find myself. Explore my own life, who I am, and who I want to be. In this quest - I want to learn to trust myself.

I don't know what that means for my marriage. For me, though, I think it means a brighter future. One where I can love again and not feel completely terrified.

Today, I choose to let go and be at peace with my decisions. Whatever that means for the future.

Selfish.

2010-03-24T19:53:00.000-07:00

Over the weekend, I spent a good amount of time just being young again. And it felt good. I got to go where I wanted, when I wanted. I could decide if I was too tired to do anything, or if we wanted to push it a little bit more. However, as I was driving back - I could really appreciate the wonderful kid I was coming back to.

One thing I did struggle with over the weekend was the concept of going back to my marriage. My own beliefs about marriage are this: it is forever. It is a partnership, not about love, but about stability. It is about sacrifice, pain, and heartache. It is also about mutual guidance, strength, and genuine care.

Maybe that's wrong, but it's also why I let myself be treated poorly. It's why I didn't leave after Freckles cheated. I knew that we could be stronger from it all. Yet, he wasn't ready and I was pushing desperately.

It just wasn't in the cards.

Now, almost two years later - after we've separated and I've had my own liaison. I wonder if we're both ready? The problem is...he may be...but I may not be.

See...this is hard for me to admit...but I don't love him anymore.

Now, I know that love is something you must work on. It's something that blossoms over time. So, that is why I feel selfish when I say - I just don't want to work on it. I feel like that time came and went. I feel like he had his chance, and we just weren't meant to be together.

My gut tells me it's time to move on. Yet, how do I move on from a partnership that is supposed to be forever? When he's working so hard and diligently to uncover his reasons for cheating.

It feels wrong - it feels SELFISH!

The problem isn't the cheating for me, it's the lying. BOTH of our lying. We've never been completely honest with each other, and I think if I was honest with him...it'd be over. I feel stuck. I want to work on it for the very definition of marriage. I want to leave because I don't want to deal with the worry, pain, and lack of trust that exists.

I don't want to hurt anyone, but I'm afraid in that pursuit - all I'm doing is hurting myself.

So, what is a girl to do?

Taking some time for me.

2010-03-19T18:44:00.000-07:00

I'm very lucky.

I have a wonderful mother who has been involved in my daughter's life since the day she was born. She has been my daughter's primary babysitter, she's involved in her daily activities, and overall is like a third parent in her life.

This weekend she will take care of my daughter so I can get away.

I will be heading out of town - back to my hometown - to spend time with my best friend. We will eat donuts, drink lots and lots of coffee, go to our favorite pedestrian-friendly district, have a burrito, eat at my favorite cafe, and enjoy the waterfront!

I will have 3 days to just relax.

I need it after the past three weeks.

Freckles and I are spending time together to see if we are willing to work on things. It's all friendship now to see if there is anything left to rebuild. I have clear limits.

I'm not taking any shit.

I need to get away. All of the pain, and the changes have led me into the lost feeling. My best friend reminded me - if you are feeling lost, it's not the time to make any major decisions.

I'd like to be able to find myself again. Hopefully the trip will get me pointed in the right direction.

Lost.

2010-03-16T13:17:00.000-07:00

Have you ever felt that you were in a fog - one that is so thick, and dense that you don't understand how you got in or how to get out? And you search - you look around desperately for something comfortable. While you grasp you stumble over and over again.

Then you stumble, and you stay down for awhile. The days get longer and harder to get through. You are worried that this time, you really changed your life in a scary way. Now, you don't trust yourself to move at all. You just look up - it's still foggy and now you are more scared than ever.

A tunnel opens that funnels you back to where you came from - you can go back. It's safe there and comfortable, so you start back. You retrace your steps, and think about all the fond memories of the times when you weren't in the fog.

Then you get there, and it's the same. It's the same as it was before - you realize it's the reason you were in the fog in the first place. The fog is the time with yourself, and how little you know yourself. The safety, well that's what you created with someone else - that's not YOU, it can't really be YOU until you understand who you are.

So...now...how do you find yourself...

"You know what's wrong with you, Miss Whoever-You-Are? You're chicken, you've got no guts!...You call yourself a free spirit, a "wild thing," and your terrified someone is going to stick you in a cage. Well baby, you're already in that cage. You built it yourself...It's wherever you go. Because no matter where you run, you just end up running into yourself."- Breakfast at Tiffany's.

Forgiveness

2010-03-15T21:10:00.000-07:00

Sometimes the hardest person to forgive is yourself.

The stress, the pain, the discomfort, and the loneliness. It all falls on your shoulders.

It takes time to release all of the anger that you have at yourself. All of the guilt directed inward. It's worse when you simply don't trust yourself to begin with. You are left questioning every decision you've made - waiting for the consequences.

If forgiveness is a choice - I choose to forgive myself, regardless of the outcome. I'm disappointed that I didn't make better choices, but I didn't.

The end.

Can I claim temporary insanity?

Not there yet.

2010-03-13T13:05:00.000-08:00

still in the darkness when it comes to life.

The last 4 months have caught up with me and I'm now facing the pain and guilt.

I hope to come out on the other side soon.

I look forward to seeing you all there...

Encouraging.

2010-03-07T23:04:00.000-08:00

I had an encouraging conversation with Freckles tonight.

One where we didn't yell or become angry.

One where I asked for what I needed, and he complied.

One where he asked for what he needed, and I complied.

One where he and I discussed our feelings open and honestly.

One where we both admitted fear. pain. regret. sorrow.

One where we could find mutual ground.

One where we were able to work through an uncomfortable issue, feel the pain, and not run away.

One where there was hope.

It doesn't mean it will change, but it does present hope for a future of open communication. That is important. We don't get to run away from each other. Our daughter is important, and that is worth finding some path in all the mess of our marriage - even if it turns out to be the path to the end.

It remains to be seen, but it is encouraging - time to take it slow, be patient with me, and trust my intuition.

Taking it Slow.

2010-03-05T17:12:00.001-08:00

I've always been a girl to rush in with my heart (and body!) to relationships. I fall in love quickly, and HARD. In that, I often over look a lot of red flags and gut feelings along the way.

In my quest to trust myself - my goal is to learn to take it slow. Part of this is being patient with me. Right now, I'm in a limbo and I want to run and jump to something else but I think I just need to be without anything for a little while. I need to recharge.

I still miss the beauty of my last relationship, but with distance - I'm learning more about the things I choose to overlook and the gut feelings that I didn't trust.

See, I often confuse fear and intuition. I don't see the difference. I notice that I act out of fear frequently. Fear of losing something, fear of being perceived a certain way, even a fear of intimacy. When I get that "gut feeling" - I notice that I want to overlook it because I'm in a stage where I'm tired of acting out of fear.

I'm more in tune with myself, but due to my lack of trust -I don't listen to that "gut feeling".

I'm ready to listen, but I will be giving myself a break in the process. Because when you try out new skills, you don't always get it right the first time.

This time, however, I'm looking inward and taking it slow. I'm going to enjoy the little things - like the dozy morning I had (you know those where drift in and out of sleep for hours?), the first cup of tea, the day of sunshine.

From there - I can learn to deal with the bigger things.

As they say in the Reiki Precepts - Just for today, I will not worry.

Being patient with me.

2010-03-05T13:47:00.000-08:00

A post over at T's really helped me out today. Well, actually, it was a previous post that she linked to in regard to allowing.

In my quest for moving on from my marriage - I was getting so frustrated. Why can't I just let go of Freckles? Why can't I just run off into the sunset and be happy? Why am I not strong enough to allow someone in? I was mad at myself for my own neurotic concerns regarding my health. I was angry at myself for taking them out on someone else.

In all that anger, I forgot to just breathe.

I was pushing so hard to be someone I'm not ready to be yet. I've made so many changes! There has been so many things that have gone on since September when Freckles and I decided to separate. Some of them good, some bad. Many mistakes - some of them over and over again.

I just wanted to be without scars - I wanted to show everyone that I was strong and independent. I forgot that those scars have helped me become the person I am now. I am becoming stronger everyday. Yet, despite it all, I will be stuck from time to time - I will experience growing pains. Because...

It cannot happen overnight.

So for today, I'm accepting myself where I'm at right now. Right now, I'm still a little anxious about the ending of my on and off again romance. I'm nervous about my health. I'm feeling a little neurotic about what this all means for me.

What's next? I keep thinking. But today, the answer is: nothing.

I'm allowing myself to be alone. Sit quietly with my thoughts and feel, really feel, what it's like to experience loss, rebuild a life, and do things to make me happy.

Today, I will be patient with me.

Give yourself a break

2010-03-05T08:00:00.000-08:00

Are you one of those people that simply DOESN'T forgive yourself with your mistakes?

Are you someone who is quick to point the finger at yourself before anyone else?

Do you often say, "I'm sorry," first even though you know it's not your fault - or maybe you internalize the guilt so much so that you feel the effects physically?

If so, you are just like me! And you know what the cure is....?

GIVE. YOURSELF. A. BREAK.

Yes, let's say that one more time: GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK!

You can't do it all...you can't do it all perfectly.

So let it go. Next time - you'll do better.

'Cause if you're like me AT ALL - deep down, you KNOW you will do better.

Even if you don't do it perfectly next time - you'll still do it better.

Suffocating

2010-03-04T15:39:00.000-08:00

I've spent the last month in a fog.

My first break up and make up relationship ever has been going on over the last 4 months. I kept pushing him away, then he would push me away, then we'd come back together for two weeks and do it all over again.

The conclusion I finally came to: I'm not ready emotionally or physically for that type of relationship, and I was attracting the same. I don't know how to allow anyone to love me. I also feel complete guilt over continuing a relationship while I'm still married. I don't have the emotional capacity to continue the relationship and get divorced.

So I ended it this time. This time it's for real. We said this was the last time.

I laid in bed and cried for hours. I sat in the shower and cried. I teared up just thinking about losing that person.

I had fallen in love, but I was suffocating. I was trying to love someone else when I didn't love myself enough.

He said something to me - something that struck at the core: "I want you to find someone who loves you like I do...you deserve tenderness."

I choose love, I choose happiness, I choose tenderness.

Now I feel empty. I will recover, of course - I'm just allowing myself to feel the loss for good. And giving it time.

It'll just take time.

Protection, Stability, and Letting Go.

2010-03-02T14:15:00.000-08:00

I think the most difficult time since Freckles and I have decided to separate is the feeling that I could potentially be doing something WRONG. I went into marriage, as I'm sure most folks do, stating that: Divorce is not an option. The fine print - "void in case of adultery."

Since my separation, I've dated one person and been through the ups and downs of that. I've had health problems, and emotional heartache. Through it all - on the back burner there has been Freckles.

I've struggled with my decision to the leave the marriage. I've mentioned that it started out mutual and led to a bouncing back and forth between Freckles and I. He wants our relationship back with the promise of working diligently to fix his problems with other women.

The thing is: I don't know if I have the time, energy, or self esteem to enter back into a partnership where infidelity was prominent.

He came by my house with a present two days ago. I wasn't home. He proceeded to tell me he wouldn't pay me anymore if I was picking another man over him. Good grief. There is the control all over again. There is the entitlement. "I pay you child support and alimony - but only if you agree to live by my rules."

I understand I hurt him by getting involved with someone soon after our separation. I get that. I get that it was probably very painful to watch your spouse walk away into someone else's arms. I get it because I lived it. And I guess part of me simply doesn't care. That's the part I don't like. The one who doesn't care - because deep down, I do. I do care that it hurts him. I just feel frustrated that I must hold up my life to support his pain.

I can't help but wish I could go back. The stability. Freckles and I have been through a lot. The protection. Getting pregnant, STD's - these things aren't on your mind the same (well, STD's did come up for us due to the infidelity).

Letting go of the safety net is so difficult. Freckles has always been there to catch me if I fall. When you're in a position of uncertainty - How do you let go?

Stuck

2010-02-28T11:56:00.000-08:00

Sometimes in the process of change - we move forward quickly.

Then we stall.

That's where I'm at right now, in a big pile of mud!

Stuck between two worlds: freedom and stability.

I'm wondering where to go next - big changes are on the horizon. Just not sure what that means yet.

Forget the why.

2010-02-20T13:54:00.000-08:00

The entire divorce process seems completely daunting to me. I still wish that I didn't have to go through it. I still question myself on a daily basis if I actually want this divorce. The stability that Freckles has offered financially and even in good-deeds is very difficult to pass up.

It was nice knowing that he had my back through everything that I went through in the last month. He would have been there every step of the way. I guess the price ended up being so high, which is why I couldn't continue to function with his help.

I have forgiven Freckles for his indiscretions. Honestly, his choices were not good ones but I've let go of (most) of the anger around his affairs. I don't understand how he was unable to be faithful those many times but I still feel sadness about the fact that we are getting divorced.

I want my family back. I want the two parent home for our daughter. I want safety. But do I have to sacrifice myself to do this? I don't know.

How is it that two people can love each other, but still not be able to make their relationship work?

Maybe the why doesn't matter, it just is...

Entitled.

2010-02-19T12:18:00.000-08:00

Have you ever met someone that did wonderful things for you - beautiful things such as give you 100 yellow daisies, or go all over town with you to doctors appointments because you are worried and sick, or brought coffee to your workplace because you were exhausted?

Sounds great?

But then all of those things, wonderful and appreciative as you are, become part of a plan to control you?

Entitlement is a funny thing. Sometimes we give and give in relationships. However, many times we go into it with the false hope that it will change something.

That's what I do, or at least, have done. That's what Freckles has done as well.

See through all of the wonderful, beautiful things that he does - there is some expectation that I will magically fall back in love or forget his many affairs.

There is a world of entitlement in our relationship. He believes as he has done all these nice things for me that he should still have a key to my house, and still be able to freely embrace me with kisses as he enters a room. He believes that I should forgive him, or he has some say in my life, because he has "proved his love for me."

Now, certainly this isn't what was said - but when someone says, "I did this for you...so you need to do this for me..."

That's entitlement. That's codependent. That's controlling.

I realized that as I entered my relationship with special someone. The first time I uttered the phrase "I don't ask for much. I did this for you...so please do this for me..." He stopped me in my tracks.

He told me something like this: "It doesn't work that way. None of that 'if I do this for you crap' - giving love is a choice, you choose what to do with yours and I choose what to do with mine."

It's hard to explain how I felt in that very moment. I *did* feel entitled to something that *I* wanted because I gave him something *he* wanted. That isn't to say that we shouldn't ask for things we want, or believe that we deserve certain things. We just don't get to control it.

When he and I had the discussion about him calling me on time - I tried to gain leverage by bringing up all the things I had done for him. But the truth is: I don't get to control what he does for me. I can openly communicate what I like, what I want, and how I feel love. I can have the discussion, put up the boundary, and if it gets crossed - that's not an open invitation to argue, that's an open invitation to deal with it or move on.

In the past, I've used all the ammo I could muster to control the outcome - including threatening divorce in my marriage when I was unhappy, and threatening a break-up when dating.

Threats are empty in my world - using them is just part of my strategy. A grenade thrown when I'm backed into a corner and it's all I have left. But like a grenade, they can cause enormous damage either in credibility (if we don't follow through), or trust in the relationship.

Entitlement can allow smart people to do silly things.

Hurting.

2010-02-17T10:01:00.000-08:00

It's amazing how we have these resilient pieces of us - the heart - yet they are so damn fragile at the same time.

I think your heart grows back bigger, ya know, once you get the shit beat out of you, and the universe lets your heart expand that way ‘cause that’s the function of all this pain and heartache that you go through, and you gotta go through that to come out to a better place.

-Must Love Dogs

Today, I'm hurting...a lot. I feel alone. I feel sad. I feel confused.

I stopped asking why, though, because I know the reason. I know that, on the other side, I will come out stronger, and smarter. I will be OK, but for now - I have to feel the pain of it all. The pain of an intense break-up, the pain of a pending divorce, the pain of looking at myself in the mirror in such a raw state.

I've recovered worse, I will recover this.

For now, I'm hurting - and that's OK.

Getting Over it.

2010-02-17T09:42:00.000-08:00

So, I decided I needed to bring back the music from long ago that helped me get over a break up. Good stuff.

It's just a fun song that sort of illustrates the growth that I still need to do. I'm: love addicted + controlling at times.

I'm still learning, obviously, as a song I listened to in high school still applies (ha!)

This song totally is in fun and brings back crazy high school romance memories!! It's one that you blast in your car, with the windows down, yelling at the top of your lungs to release all kinds of emotions.

Being neurotic and making mistakes

2010-02-14T15:38:00.000-08:00

I tend to be a bit neurotic. I obsess about the little issues, I crumble in the face of large problems, and I often become distressed [read: hysterical] over things that "normal people" wouldn't even think twice about.

Over the year that I was intensely trying to save my marriage - I learned to control the hysteria and, while still go through "spells" as I call them, I could see myself as being irrational and tone it down. Most of that new ability came from the conscious desire to be happy, and the realization that happiness meant acceptance of life.

Much of my neurotic tendencies are derived from the fear of making mistakes. I hate making them and often do not forgive myself when I do. My family doesn't look kindly on mistakes. I have such intense guilt that it is usually played out physically somehow - for instance, I am so worked up that I throw up.

I have done so much internal work in the last year and a half, that I expect myself to be without faults. Yet, I'm not! No one is...so why, with this knowledge, so I continue to judge myself so harshly?

One of the best pieces of advice I got after I separated was: "Don't be afraid to make mistakes." How do you allow yourself to make mistakes, while also doing your best to be safe and kind to yourself?

I also think about the fact that to really discover who I am - I am going to have to accept those pieces of me that are less than stellar. So, is the neurotic nature part of who I am - I've been that way as long as I can remember! Or is it something that I can alter in myself by working more on myself and finding alternatives to the hysteria? I know that my neurotic behavior has significantly impacted relationships that I've been in, causing someone to feel undue burden over my anxiety sessions.

Perhaps as I become more content - it will allow me to accept myself for who I am, mistakes and all, and abandon some of the neurotic tendencies that play out in my life. For now, I'm learning to decipher what is worth being upset about and what is not worth my time.

Honestly, most of it isn't worth it!

Strength

2010-02-13T17:42:00.000-08:00

I went and saw Valentine's Day by myself last night. I was proud to walk up to the theatre and march into a romantic comedy, on Valentine's Day weekend, and not feel the itsy bitsy bit insecure. Even though it's just a small step - I'm proud of myself!

That wasn't me before.

Today, I went to lunch with a few classmates. I could have gone home and just spent the lunch hour of class by myself, as I usually do. However, I knew I'd just feel icky. So, I stepped out of my comfort zone and accepted the invitation out.

That wasn't me before.

Yesterday, I had another break up story. [sigh] I apologized for what I did wrong the previous night, and left it at that. I'm hurting but accepting what has happened is for the best, for whatever reason. I deleted the phone number, busied myself - but most importantly, I have let myself hurt. I cried in the shower, I sat and felt the discomfort of being alone. I want to jump right back to another man, as I usually do, but this time I'm pausing and focusing on myself and my daughter.

That wasn't me before.

Today, I received 100 yellow daisies from Freckles. It was in reference to my favorite episode of Gilmore Girls in which Max (Lorelei's - the mom - Boyfriend) proposes to her during a fight and

Lorelei says:

"No, it has to be planned. It should be magical. There should be music playing and romantic lighting and a subtle buildup to the popping of the big question. There should be a thousand yellow daisies and candles and a horse and I don't know what the horse is doing there unless you're riding it, which seems a little over the top, but it should be more than this."

The next day - Lorelei shows up at her work and there are 1000 yellow daisies.

[sigh]

The note on my flowers said, "Imagine 1000."

I still don't know what to do about that one.

What I didn't do was: I didn't call, I didn't cry, I didn't sit in awe. I accepted it as a very nice gesture, but something that was his choice. I often have felt that I owe someone something when they are nice to me - the truth is I can accept it, appreciate the love, and show my gratitude for the display but I do not have to do anything else unless it is my desire and choice.

That wasn't me before.

I've come to realize that many of us focus on growth after a separation. Some of us choose the path and others must accept it. However, in the quest to find ourselves - we grow in small stages. We might have all that knowledge in our head, but it takes time to make the shift in our life. I'm beginning to feel the small effects of the changes I've made. I may not know what to do in every situation but I'm focusing on my strengths today, the smallest steps I've made already.

I must put faith in myself that I will continue in growth as long as I daily choose to fill myself with love, compassion, and appreciation. These are the plans to a better future - I just have to keep my eye on the prize.

Not by Force.

2010-02-12T18:17:00.001-08:00

Ugh. Painful lesson.

I was probably the most ugly I'd seen myself in a long time. Needy, insecure, and high strung.

[sigh]

I was there, on the phone, professing all of my fears - I couldn't stop. It was like my mouth and brain were completely disconnected. I was desperately trying to find some sense of comfort. But I couldn't and I just kept talking.

I hung up angry, knowing I went too far. Yet, I clung to the hope of forgiveness.

It didn't happen.

[sigh]

My heart is a little bit broken - it was already cracked and the pieces finally just fell to the ground.

I'm done.

[sigh]

You know, I read everything. I tried everything. In the end, you teach people how to treat you but they STILL may never treat you that way. It's your job to get out, not theirs. It's your job to observe the behavior and assess if it's truly happening. It's up to you to not throw a fit about it, not waste your breath talking it out, and not try to change the behavior.

People come in packages - if you get one thing, you may not get the other. It's not your job to change what the package looks like or one aspect of it.

It's as is. Bottom line.

Don't waste your time. Don't look back. Don't go back.

It's over, you'll find someone else.

If you teach people how to treat you...can you reteach?

2010-02-11T03:48:00.000-08:00

There are times when I talk to Freckles still. We go through periods of growth where we come back together and talk about our life lessons from the processes we are going through. Of course, Freckles still would like to get back together. I still feel hesitant. There are days where I long for the stability of married life but it seems like life events always signal me to back away.

My recent health issues stemmed a very strong reaction from Freckles. He was there for me during my initial Dr's appointments, he sat with me when I was terrified, and I was greatful. I was clear, however, that it did not mean we were getting back together.

As I started getting better and pulling away again - he used all that information as ammo. When I was recovering - I started getting mowed down with hurtful words and actions. I was shocked that someone could be so supportive, and then turn around into a different person.

There was a difference though....it was me. I didn't cower. I didn't feel victimized. I looked him in the eye and stood up to him.

OK. OK. so I slapped him. [sigh] Not a shining moment.

As I was being ostracized for my actions, I was (literally) backed into a corner hearing:

"I took care of you for 6 years, and you did NOTHING!" and "You will be pregnant in the next 10 years with 3 different guys babies - I will fare better in this divorce than you."

I was done. I raised my hand and took a swing. As my hand connected with his flesh - I knew I'd made a stupid choice. I knew I wasn't teaching my daughter to "not hit" or to "use her words." In the end, I realize, I should have silently stood there - with no reaction - and told him to leave.

But I didn't.

Even though I knew it wasn't the BEST choice - I don't regret it. I was silently proud of myself, and when I talked to him later - he told me he was proud of me too. Maybe I wasn't teaching my daughter the best thing but perhaps I did teach her to stand up to a bully.

After 2 weeks away from each other completely, he said to me - "I finally understand...that's not OK. I finally get it - you aren't going to allow that."

I'm not drunk on his words or expecting too much. When his actions match his words - maybe I'll believe the epiphany. Until then, I'm continuing down the road of self-improvement. I'm living my life and trying to make BETTER choices than I did before. Yet, our exchange made me wonder:

If you teach people how to treat you...can you reteach? Can you break old dynamics and create new ones? Are two people doomed to keep repeating the same things, or can they change?

Do ALL old habits die hard?

Self-reflection can lead to Obsession and then...destruction

2010-02-08T12:31:00.000-08:00

I always take a lot of time, in my life, to reflect over my mistakes and challenges. I try to find meaning in almost every aspect of my life - including the downfall of my marriage, my dating disasters, and parenting challenges. Every blog entry is the end result of a self-reflection.

However, these self-reflections can be quite challenging. They often occupy my mind for several days and raise my anxiety level significantly. Obviously, the most recent problems have had to do with my health. I have tried to find meaning in the fact that I've been ill and thought it was linked to a my relationship after marriage. Who knows? It still could be, I suppose. Yet, the point is:

sometimes life means nothing.

Bad things happen to good people. Challenges arise out of no where. Things happen that just plain SUCK. During it all, though, our resilience increases as does the ability to cope. Life lessons are not necessarily learned through overreaction to every little detail. If we did that - when is there time to enjoy life?

Self-reflection is a temporary process. It is not meant to be in the "on position" all the time. There are just some things in life where we cannot find meaning. We just have to cope, live, and try not to get hung up on the overanalyzing of our own life. Because self-reflection can lead to obsession. Continually finding "ourselves" in every problem just increases self-doubt and guilt.

Certainly, there are many issues we have to look at when it comes to our relationships and learning about ourselves more. There are just times where we have to throw up our hands and understand that the meaning is not quite as important as what we learn from being in the trenches.

Life isn't meant to be lived through a window. Sometimes you have to get pretty dirty to be able to look at yourself clearly. In the end, we learn life through doing...not just thinking. The light bulb moment will appear for us all - even if it takes many episodes of getting dirty to recognize it.

In times of change...hold on to yourself.

2010-02-02T09:52:00.000-08:00

Change is constant, and with that comes disruption. Often, we want to assert false control into the world - minimizing the shift somehow. Through the process of life, many of us work diligently to uncover the meaning. Some, more than others, are self-aware enough to correct past wrongs and move on to ride the rollarcoaster. Others have great difficulty peering outside of their little world. Most of us, perhaps, fall in the middle - alternating between fear of the unknown and love of the ride.

I enjoy leaning on someone through the change. Somehow, I've been able to do this up until this point. I have managed to maintain a level of status quo in my life that didn't necessarily make me happy but certainly was comfortable. I know this happened in my marriage and, ultimately, was a contributing factor to it's demise. After all, complacency can damage us significantly as the world continues to change and we then are unprepared for the fallout.

I have come to learn that change is necessary and important. It is our reaction to the change that keeps us growing and forging ahead. Even on the days that I simply cannot imagine taking one more step, I do. The days I don't feel strong are the days I show the most strength. Those are the days that I want to curl up in bed and shut out the world, and every time that I get out of bed, and take the first step of the day - I show that I will not let anything defeat me.

Lately, I've been so lonely. With the ending of a recent relationship, and as Freckles took his position away from me - the difficulty has increased. I shared this with a friend:

I asked, "What do you hold onto when there is so much pain?"

He replied, "You hold on to yourself."

In this moment, I am holding onto me. I am embracing the big girl, and the little girl - I'm soothing them with deep breaths and a smidge of chocolate cake (perhaps it was more than a smidge, I'll never tell!). I feel comfort in knowing that this is where I'm at right now. Even if she is terrified of her illness, and completely shaken by what life has thrown at her. Today, just today, she got out of bed and took many many steps.

That counts for...well...a lot...now, doesn't it?

Rejection

2010-02-01T16:01:00.000-08:00

Today, I started to go into the dark place. The scared little girl began to cower in the corners of my mind. There I was - facing all the insecurities of "not being good enough" and the tears began to come calmly. But I stopped, I took a breath.

I am good enough. I am good enough for me. I am good enough for my daughter. I will not be driven backwards by fear.

There have been moments of extreme sadness today, coupled with loss and cloudiness. Yet there was also serenity because I took a stand for myself. It was past the right time to do so. Earlier wouldn't have just been ideal, but responsible - I finally was able to stand up and say, "This is me...I don't want to be accepted any other way."

When someone loves you for beauty, sex, passion, or even for love itself - that is not pure. It is when our ugly shines through and someone not only loves us in spite of it, but loves us even more BECAUSE of it - that is real. I don't want to spend my lifetime pretending - I have been. I want to come to find, know, and appreciate all the different pieces of me.

As I read the last paragraph now - I see that it not only applies to my relationships with others but also to the one I have with myself. Finding my authentic self, and accepting her for who she is...that is certainly worth striving for...

Curtain Call

2010-02-01T00:11:00.000-08:00

There are times when the Universe let's you know if MANY MANY MANY different ways that you need to stop, reassess, and possibly turn around. For the record, that has happened for me over the last 3 months.

I've had several health scares (some still without explaination), rollarcoaster rides (emotionally - the best kind.blech), and heartache (being torn between men) - hindsight being what it is makes you realize that someone is offering some pretty powerful advice.

I hear you, Universe. I might be ready to listen.

There is a reason people tell you not to date right after a separation. No possible way are you in the right frame of mind to be messing around in that territory. With love comes confusion, with pain comes frustration, and top it all off - you are unraveling your life with another individual. The stress has been overwhelming and impacted me in ways that I still cannot fully express.

Yet, through it all - I met an amazing man. He showed me what true tenderness is...what true passion two individuals can have...and how much it WASN'T JUST ME that made my marriage fail. The dynamic Freckles and I created together had turned toxic.

The man I met wanted to be better with me, I wanted to be better with him - we both gave tremendously. We communicated better than either of us has experienced prior. It was a damn rollarcoast together, I'll admit, but we rode the rollarcoaster beautifully and together. Neither one of us wanted to get off. Yet, the ride had become more painful on the downturns. That's when we both realized we were not OK to continue.

Funny enough - they say, do not date when you are first separated. Yet, I found something good. I saw glimpses of the possibilities for the future. The warning signs were there,however, and I ignored many of them. In the end, the Universe gave me a swift kick out of my fog to show me how I wasn't able to be my authentic self, and how I cannot hide that person - EVER!

I know now - that is not where my place is currently. The signs were overwhelmingly clear - it's time for the final curtain call. I made a lot of mistakes in the last 3 months, but I refuse to continue to dwell on them. I can just hope I do better next time - I can hope that I can continue to fail better and better until I find something where I'm open to grow and love.

Most of the process begins inside me, so I'm gonna work on that for awhile - I'm putting my trust in myself and the Universe to help me figure life out.

Sudden Realization

2010-01-27T22:08:00.000-08:00

Sometimes there is that lightbulb moment - where someone who loves you, or something happens in your life and all you can do is stand in awe.

That moment was today, for me.

I was talking to a very close person in my life, and I finally heard was - "Maybe you don't know what you want, Maybe you don't know yourself that well." Maybe I don't. And maybe I'm trying to busy myself and entrench myself with someone else - enough so that I can avoid who I am. Because...

I'm lost right now.

I'm wandering around in this lost space and all I want is some stability again. I want to latch onto someone. I want someone to hold me and really tell me I'm a good person. I want to continue putting people through these tests to see how much they love me, testing over and over again. I am trying to measure my own self worth by their response. When really...it doesn't matter.

I don't need your approval. I need MY approval.

I don't have that right now, in this moment. I don't really know how to get it. I haven't been treating myself well enough. I'm hard on me. I don't know how to look within to that scared little girl and find the ability to grow. Yet, I'm tired. I'm tired of the self-hatred, and the mistakes...I'm tired of glossing over it all to try and make myself feel better.

It's time to build some strength again.

Right now, I think that means just taking a BREATH, and stop dwelling on it all.

So. Here it is. I'm letting go. I'm having faith.

I'm going to have faith that the Universe will provide the RIGHT thing. And I don't know what that is but...

If I'm strangling the idea of what I hope to happen - I may never fully see the beauty of what will happen.

It's time to open my heart and open my mind to happiness once again by loving myself enough to just breathe.

The Leap

2010-01-25T13:41:00.000-08:00

The car broke.

Soccer practice starts this week.

Dr's appointments for me.

the clincher - midterms.

Freckles has been clear: He's not helping. Well, that certainly puts a cramp in my style.

I'm definitely used to leaning on him, we've leaned on each other! Even since the separation, him and I both helped each other when we needed it. If the car needed to go in for maintenance, we'd help the other one. If one of us couldn't watch our Lil one on the day we planned - the other one would pick up the slack.

Freckles has decided that, since I will not be with him - he will no longer help me.

Now is the time to go out there and look for family and friends to support me in this journey. I do not want to be scared into submission anymore. Often times, I feel, that I spend a lot of time under someones wing - now is the time to go out on my own. It doesn't have to be all alone, but it's time to find my own strength.

Now it's time to figure things out on my own. *sigh*

The journey just got scary!

Trust me, I'm Human.

2010-01-24T10:36:00.000-08:00

Trust is a very big issue in my book. In all capitals with big, bold letters is the word:

TRUST.

The word is not only refering to my experience with infidelity, but a more important aspect of "do what you say you are going to do." There are little things along the way that give an indication of how someone will respond to those big, bad problems that come up in life. The kind of person that I want to be with is one who can communicate their needs, and in turn, respect the communication of mine. In addition, respect my boundaries in the process.

Is it possible that, sometimes, we get caught up on the details when the majority of things are quite lovely in a relationship? Are those little "dealbreakers" really irrelevent when it comes to any indication of how happy you are with another person? Do those little pet-peeves potentially cause us to avoid intimacy and give up on something that, otherwise, is a potentially wonderful relationship?

How do we decide what IS important to us and what WE will or will not compromise on. Is it more important that the phone ring on time EVERYTIME even if it makes the other person feel uncomfortable to be held to such a standard? Their own communication of their needs counts for something, I know. Freckles was constantly skirting the responsibility by saying "I forgot" or "I was too busy" - instead of simply saying "This is difficult for me to follow through - let's come up with a compromise."

That's another issue altogether.

Compromise.

How much do we need to compromise in order to ensure a successful relationship and personal happiness? Can a relationship with compromise build the trust successfully - I ask that only because the compromise, then, creates wavy boundary lines. Can I live with the compromise: "I will always try but you need to accept that I'm human and will not get it right everytime." ?

I have no answers on this topic - the issue is one of great important to me. Yet, I have an incredible tendancy to be stubborn. In turn, I feel quite taken aback that someone is unwilling to commit to something that is, seemingly, so small (I realize this is my perception only, obviously in their world - it is a big thing).

Every book and article would suggest that all of us women say "our boundaries, our world, no compromise" when it comes to that small list of "deal breakers."
How do we know what to stand up for and what to compromise?

The Past

2010-01-23T01:01:00.000-08:00

The past is just that...OVER.

I am realizing that I'm happy in the past because it's DEFINED. I can dwell, analyze, and dissect what happened. There is no such luxury with the future. You can try to define it but it doesn't change the ambiguity of it all.

Control, an illusion. The only way to gain is to risk, and someday you just have to trust yourself enough again to say: "I'm human. I fail. I recover."

I'm recovering.

Moving on.

Note to life: I get it.

2010-01-20T08:33:00.000-08:00

I was thinking about all the growth that I have done in the last year.

The pain, the build up, then the tumble - growing is sort of like that sometimes.

You learn all of the lessons, the knowledge, and you can't wait to put it into practice. So you do it. You go for it and race at your next chance for a lesson because the more you learn, the better your life will be! Life will be shits and giggles from here on out, won't it? Because...now...now I am enlightened!!!

Oh geez. That's a load of crock.

There is this little thing...I like to call it...life. And it knocks you on your ass from time to time. It's like it gets some sort of sick pleasure out of watching you fall down and get dirty, just when you think you are out of the mud.

You are on cloud 9 and then crash and burn, only to start the growth process all over again. There were smart people who said "what goes up, must come down" for a reason...or damn...is that just a cliche?

That is not to say that the lessons you learn from before didn't matter. Of course they do. These lessons continue to be there in reserve, as the structure of your being, but still...we suffer damage and must rebuild from time to time. As you continue on, the building gets larger and larger. The damage is a little less painful, but not because the lessons get less important or even less challenging - now, you are armed with the knowledge on how to deal with them.

I had this illusion that once I went out on my own - everything would be OK, because I was smarter this time. I wasn't going to make the same mistakes.

Well DAMMIT!

Apparently, those lessons really are no good unless they are tested. The lessons aren't there to help you avoid disaster, but to deal with it more calmly. Sometimes you'll make the same mistakes over and over before life bitch slaps you back into reality.

So there...there...I get it, life! I got a little too big for my britches. I am humbled. Can I please, please, please go back to the upswing again? I liked that part!

*sigh*

Reflection on the Fear

2010-01-19T21:03:00.000-08:00

My recent post regarding how fear can affect me sparked some great comments and encouragement. I want everyone who commented to know that I appreciate every morsel of advice and support that I get from the readers!

Something that Mandy wrote really sparked some thought. She said:

"First - you've recognized that what you're feeling is fear but don't push the feeling away and ignore it as if it wasn't there. Stay with that feeling and try to understand truly what it is you're afraid of. Your body is trying to tell you something and you should listen."

Mandy, you make an amazing point. It is not necessary to reject the fear. I know my fear is derived from the lack of confidence in myself and the longing for stability of the relationship that I had. It also is a signal that I can't simply chase that old relationship dynamic.

Freckles and I have a daddy-daughter dynamic that needs to change, regardless of what type of future we have together.

As Momma Sunshine wrote: "Fear almost drove me back to my ex at one point...It was fear of the great unknown that sent me there."

Being without that stability is REALLY scary! Freckles is Mr. Stability. I was always taken care of, I always had what I needed to survive, but emotionally? There was a lot lacking. Part of that was simply my own inability to ask for what I needed. Part of it was our inability to communicate in any effective way - there was always so much blame.

As Samantha said: "Marriage is an institution, but just like any institution, all parties have to follow the rules and work to make it better."

We didn't. Bottom line.

I just had this conversation tonight - that there is a distinct difference between the dating relationship I had recently (based on emotion/passion) verses my marriage (based on logic/stability).

There has to be balance.

The passion of the dating relationship really carried me out of reality. The sickness that I'm experiencing is the Universe signaling for me to slow down.

I must deal with reality.

The reality: I am a young mom, recently separated, trying to finish college, still with feelings for her ex, relies heavily on him for support, and has some work to do on her internal being to strengthen and define who I am.

I don't know it all, but I think my recent mistakes have caused me to slow down and look at my motivations. I can't beat myself up anymore, what's done is done. I cannot know what is wrong with me more than modern medicine will allow. Yet, I can no longer make decisions based on the fear of what COULD be.

Jolene's comment really had an empowering message..."You are strong, moving forward is sometimes SO much harder than going back."

It is, but I also have to remind myself - if I did attempt to pursue a relationship with Freckles at some point, I don't think it makes me weak. If I go back out of FEAR, and pursuing the old dynamic...it does. Yet, from the wise words of Samantha - it takes two people to change the dynamic.

The BEST decision is the one I can resolve with the information I have, including what is going on in both my head and my heart.

The point is, I'm not going to go BACK. I need to move forward regardless. I will rebuild myself and pursue a future with a new outlook and I don't know what that means in terms of an outcome, but who really does?

Fear as a driving force

2010-01-13T00:40:00.001-08:00

Through my latest drama-filled situation, I've found myself gravitating back to Freckles. Tonight, I actually didn't want to get off the phone with him when he called to discuss our daughter's birthday. Alas, I did get off the phone and fought the urge to call back all night.

I walked through Target today browsing at some of the new home decor items. I blissfully began daydreaming about getting a bigger home, and all the new decorating that could be done. Freckles and I had so much in common when it came to decor - our tastes were similar, and we enjoyed shopping together.

I stopped in front of the mirrors, then quickly turned from my reflection. I was afraid to face what I was doing, because I knew that it was coming from an ugly place. The desire to laugh, watch our favorite movies, and offer advice - they all were screaming at me. I wanted them back so badly, just for that moment.

But there I was with my back to the mirror, in Target. I had to face the thoughts. As I turned around, I noticed the way I looked.

Tired, frail, and unhappy.

It's so clear in the moments of pain and vulnerability - we long for the comfort of the past. We can remember the good moments and forget the bad. It's so easy to look back at the laughter and the fun, longing for some tiny drop of what that felt like...and in the memory, we can almost feel the warmth of it all.

Yet, here I was in Target, facing myself and seeing EXACTLY what I FELT like...

Scared.

As soon as I acknowledged the feeling - my shoulders dropped just a little, and the frown moved upwards just a little.

I am scared. I am allowing that fear to drive me where I don't want to go!

I got caught up in the freedom. That is certainly a given in this situation.

So, I have two choices.

1) Go back: try again, see if it's the same - knowing that I could not give my trust and intimacy for some time. Knowing that it might be exactly the same as it was - broken.

2) Move on: face the fear and continue moving forward even if I mess up. Even if I do something that changes my life forever.

I am becoming someone I don't want to be right now - in any mirror, that image has become ugly. My mother said to me "Marriage is an institution, treating it as such will ensure long term success." If marriage is an institution - what does that mean for all of us that long for love, not just security? Those of us who have been betrayed and no longer want to be confined within the four walls? Yet, it's so much safer in those four walls.

Fear can drive us backwards, or move us forward. Either way, I will take the leap and never look back.

Mistakes

2010-01-09T12:40:00.001-08:00

I've gone through a period of growth lately.

Most of the growth was initiated by an intense week of scary happenings. After becoming sexually active with a new partner in almost 6 years, my body pretty much fell apart. I had pretty scary symptoms that pointed to something serious. I had some realizations that were not so pretty after falling apart in that way.

I called Freckles, and he ran over to take care of me. Our whole daddy-daughter dynamic was shifted back into gear. And, I admit, it was really nice. His stability through the whole mess was one of the very reasons I was attracted to him in the first place. The problem was - my body language betrayed my emotions.

While there was the fear grasping onto the stability, there was my body recoiling from the lack of trust and intimacy. I couldn't pretend that I felt comfortable crying against him, because for so long - I was not encouraged to show my emotions in the relationship.

I miss my family. I really do. Having Freckles here felt normal again. I could relax for once, and just take care of myself. But there I was, starting straight into the face of my man that had begged me to take him back after his first set of affairs. I could see the same lines creased through the tears, and the desperation in his actions.

He needs me. Not because I'm so wonderful, or because I'm a strong person - but he needs me to feel needed. And really, in that sense - I could be any other girl.

I feel dissapointed in myself. I fell backwards so easily. I thought I was stronger to deal with these things alone, or at least, by leaning on a friend. Yet, I went right back to the old dynamic. Now, I have to start again trying to set boundaries and enforce them.

*sigh*

Despite all of the falling apart - I have grown. Sometimes to do this - we have to be torn down so far that all we see is the barenaked aspects of who we are. Truth is, I didn't like the girl that was standing there with her pants down.

I'm still dealing with some of the symptoms, and taking meds that make me nauseous and weakened. I still don't really even know what's causing some of my symptoms, but I'm working with a clinic to figure out what's going on in my body.

I'm scared. I'm pretty alone through it all - my family members are out of town and busy. It was easy to grasp onto the stability, but I don't feel better about myself for doing it. I needed him...to feel secure. In reality, I should have been leaning on someone else. Someone who wouldn't use it all against me in the end.

I've made some stupid decisions, but these mistakes make me human. I know I will recover from it all - it'll just take time.

What do you do...

2010-01-04T12:57:00.000-08:00

When you ex will not let go?

When everytime they come over, they lay into you about how "fast" it took you to move on? (All the while, glossing over their affairs DURING the marriage, and the fact that they dated after the split)

*sigh*

What do you do, when the infidelity was not just about a "failed marriage" - it happened long before you were married, during the marriage, and even as we were trying to work through it?

What do you do when your partner looks at you, pleading not to rip apart the family?

What do you do, when the ex holds all the financial power and legal fees seem well outside the realm of possibility?

What do you do, when your child asks why you don't let daddy come back home?...why daddy has to live somewhere else?...why a new man is moving in? (*ahem* that's NOT happening, or even close, or even a possibility, and I was very clear!)

What do you do, when you can't even get along in passing - yet your ex is going to "fight" for joint, legal custody?

What do you do, when you fear you will not be able to move away to be closer to family as you must inform the court if you plan to move more than 60 miles?

What do you do, when your ex hounds you about every detail in your life and you calmly explain that they are not entitled to that information - but it continues, and you are called mean, vile names? All the while, they keep pleading with you to "reconsider the relationship"?

Hello! Is this the Twilight Zone? Or just Divorce...

Lessons Learned

2010-01-01T18:40:00.000-08:00

As the new year hit - I was spending it with a special someone. We had been watching a movie that I had desperately wanted to see, and eating oreos that he'd bought for us to share.

Sounds...well...perfect in my book.

There was just one thing - there was something out in the car and he asked if I could get it.

In that moment, I didn't know what to do - laugh, cry, or tell him to shove it. After biting my lip and following through - I was upset. I tend to act then come back later with my protest (A-HA!).

In that moment, I realized several things. First, there is probably not a future with this man. He is a very awesome person - someone who listens, communicates, and asks for what he wants (WHAT?). Yet, I felt uncomfortable with his request.

Second, I realized - Life and love don't work in the logical realm. It doesn't show up with flowers, and take you on 3 dates before magically you both feel ready to have sex. It works at it's own pace, it looks like many different things. It's give and take.

It may be sitting on the couch at midnight eating oreos. It may even be splitting the cost of a pizza, and fooling around on the living room floor. This man and I met in unusual circumstances, on a twisted journey, that ultimately led to me discovering some amazing things about myself.

The thing is...love is how you feel when you are around the person, if you feel accepted or not. Can you be yourself? Do you have to play a role? Can you actively express how you feel and your needs/wants? Does the person encourage you to grow and embrace the change of the relationship?

This person DID, and the relationship DID, but part of that change also meant not controlling it and let it come to it's natural end.

We try to put love and happiness into this box - controlling what it looks like. Like we're supposed to grow up, get married, have children, take care of the children while tending to the marriage. Or we're supposed to go to college, have our crazy years, then be responsible.

There are so many "rules," and so many ways that we expect life to look like - and if we follow this formula, we'll find happiness. But there is no rulebook! For every person helped, there is a person who feels indifferent about a method or road for happiness.

There is no way we are supposed to "be" - because in all the definition...we're going to have to live LIFE...and life is crazy sometimes. The plans we make don't work out, people fall short of our expectations but exceed in other areas BEYOND our expectations and it is WE (not others) that have to figure out what we are willing to compromise. In turn, we have to be OPEN to seeing that possibly someone/something will show up in our life at a moment that perhaps seems so untimely - but it turns out it's just what you need.

And it may not be forever and that's OK, because many of us going through separation or divorce have found that forever isn't all it's cracked up to be.

WE have to be open to finding OUR happiness, whatever that looks like, but we cannot do that through lists and definitions - we can do it through openness, and willingness to let life BE...by learning and growing along the way. It is about constantly finding more of yourself, being comfortable with who that is, and finding ways to teach others how to treat you.

Life is about change, and we may not always do it perfectly, but we learn from our mistakes and move on.

Reconciliation

2009-12-29T13:15:00.000-08:00

Going through my separation has been somewhat easy for me emotionally. I think part of it was that the grieving process happened largely during the last year of our marriage together. I began accepting that things were over much sooner than he did.

Our separation was mutual. It is no longer mutual.

Freckles has decided, suddenly, that he would like to try at our marriage. He doesn't want to break the family up. He can't believe that I'm trying to...

In short, he is focused on ME and the relationship verses HIM and his DAUGHTER.

Every minute since our separation has been focused on me. I received 2 text messages last night during my evening plans saying "I love you" and "Tell him I say hi". The funny part was - I was at the movies alone. Then I get a call at midnight, wondering if I'm home alright.

I had panic attacks last night wondering if he was going to come to my house - the night before he had thrown my DVD remote and broke all of the spices in my kitchen. The stress is weighing heavily on me. I am afraid of him. Not to mention, I'm afraid to send my daughter with him.

I don't know this man.

Then, I spoke to my good friend on the phone who has been happily married for 10+ years. She wondered if we were looking toward reconciliation. I stopped in my tracks. Am I being stubborn? Am I not willing to work on the relationship? Am I putting my selfish needs over my daughters?

I stare at those questions and, honestly, my head and heart are split.

I know he is hurting. My heart goes out to him in every way. He moved out of the family home. He sees our daughter maybe 3 times a week. He no longer has the emotional support of me around. But I know, logically, he made his bed - he has to lie in it.

The thing is...*I* don't want to lie in it. That's valid in both the rational/logical and emotional sense.

I would say that I allowed a lot of behavior to go on and most people wouldn't have even thought twice before leaving. That was MY choice to stay. It is also MY choice to leave. Regardless of his position on that and I suppose I cannot assume everything is going to be OK in that process. My expectations are too high on what should happen now, I suppose. Nevertheless, I do not think that putting your child's needs first is a ridiculous desire.

But I have no control over him.

What I can do now, is control my behavior toward him. What I can do now, is not allow the scary feelings to overcome me and my happy life. What I can do now, is continue living and not lose one bit of sleep over him and his choices - even if they affect me. I can stand up for what I believe in, and let slide the things that just don't matter.

My reconciliation will not be with my marriage - my intuition tells me not to go back. My reconciliation will be with myself, what I want, and what is best for my child. My reconciliation will, hopefully, one day include Freckles - to the end that we can successfully co-parent together - but for now, that means working on my relationship with my child and how I choose to interact/react...

I cannot focus on him.

Yet here I sit - still pondering the questions: If marriage is forever, why don't I want to try anymore?

Random Fear and Anxiety

2009-12-28T12:15:00.000-08:00

I haven't written for awhile, mainly due to my own exhaustion. I have been uninspired. I have been tired. I have been filled with fear and anxiety.

I hate the feeling of being a victim. I am trying to rewrite that pattern. You see, despite the impending divorce, it turns out - the relationship patterns don't go away.

Yeah, duh, what's true in marriage can be 10-1,000,000x worse in divorce.

I am allowing myself to be controlled by the fear and anxiety of having no money, no steady income, and a potentially expensive divorce. I feel the need to run, hide, and curl up into the fetal position.

How do people afford to get divorced? REALLY! It's expensive, and painful. Especially when I've stayed at home for 5 years working on my degree. The good news - my degree is almost completed. The bad news - divorce is STILL expensive.

During the processes of divorce, I have found, that the legal binding of two people is quite disturbing. Especially when one of the two individuals cannot let go of that legal binding. I feel myself questioning the very essence of marriage - how in a world of change, we attempt to bind two individuals together indefinitely? Does this somehow suggest that two individuals never change, or that their change must be paced together?

I am aware of the negativity in this post, but the venting stage is here.

When your child looks up at you with fear in her eyes and asks why mommy won't let daddy move back in...it hurts. When your child screams, hits, cries - and you know it's because all of the pain - it's difficult to man up.

I am angry. I am scared. I am tired.

Tonight, I have a night to myself. I'm going to see a movie by myself. I'm going to recharge my batteries and attempt to find some positivity in this mess.

I know I will get through it - I know it will all be OK, but just for right now - I need to feel a little angry. I need to accept this is where I'm at, and not pretend I'm above it all.

Because I'm not.

I'm human, and this girl is hurting. Not because it's over, but because a battle is brewing - and it's only just begun.

Happiness

2009-12-22T01:15:00.001-08:00

I had the best conversation tonight. The topic of happiness came up - what it meant to us and why.

We defined it so simply. Happiness is acceptance.

It is opening up to life. It's accepting what comes along, no matter what. It's a roller coaster and riding it regardless of where it goes or what it looks like - it's having faith.

Happiness is scary!

It's letting go of whatever excuses that we have and allowing the possibilities to resonate. It's so nerve wracking - sitting there and wondering about all the ways that life can turn out. We often find ourselves making plans, setting goals, striving for a certain life. Certainly, it is important to have direction for many of us but how many times have you done that and ended up completely somewhere else? Now, how many times have you gotten mad about it?

I think happiness is about understanding how important change is...that change does not stop...and the pain caused by change is only part of the process - not the point.

Happiness is understanding that we can't know it all, we can't control ANY of it, and it's OK!

Being comfortable with the mistakes - the BEAUTIFUL mistakes.

Maybe not comfortable...but accepting. It will always be uncomfortable to feel the pain, it will probably feel ugly when you are staring into the uncertainty, but that's just what LIFE is...uncertainty. For all the plans you make, and the expectations you have - it will always be hard to forgive yourself and others for the choices that do not live up to our expectations.

So happiness...is it letting go of expectations? Is it giving yourself and others the freedom to be themselves and flow freely through your life, depending on how you FEEL when you are around them?

Is that possible? is that probable? is that desirable?

I don't know...but I'm accepting of it. As I write this post - I smile.

When I think about all the fears I have, all the pain I've felt, all the wondering that I've done...I shouldn't have done anything differently.

There were many many many mistakes...but they were all beautiful. They were all me. They were all happiness.

Two sides of me

2009-12-21T11:36:00.000-08:00

One thing I uncovered in counseling is that there are two distinct sides to me. There is one that believes I am independent, and wonderful - deserving all the love there is out there.

Then the other side...the insecure side, believes none of that. It believes that I must sacrifice part of myself to be involved with someone.

I've played both roles: the boundary-setter and victim. In relationships, I think I can see clearly - now - why I developed so much bitterness (eventually what strained intimacy in my marriage).

I expect more than I ask for and am willing to follow through about.

For instance, I may be very clear - with my words - that I want something to go in a certain way. However, I chicken out in terms of enforcing my words. There is a passive aggressive side to this behavior - the side of me that believes I don't deserve any better.

I realize this now - I am an active participant in my victim mindset. If I have expectations, then I must be willing to communicate them physically and verbally.

I am working, more than ever, to morph myself into one person. Certainly, there will always be the insecurities - but I don't want to feel like two different people anymore.

Perhaps this is why it's such a point of contention for me when someone says something and then does another - because it's the very thing that I feel conflicted about in myself?

I have noticed this issue in sex more than anything. I allow myself to be sexually manipulated because I believe that's all I have to offer - my physical characteristics.

The funny thing is: I KNOW better. I know in my head that I'm better...in my heart - it's another story.

I guess that's why I still can't connect the head and the heart.

I feel a little too much in my head lately, and not enough action.

It sounds like I have the know-how, it's just finding the strength to commit to the action. In turn, it's finding the ability to understand and accept both sides of me.

Chick Flicks Make Me Cry.

2009-12-19T12:45:00.000-08:00

I rented chick flicks. I got comfy. I observed.

Julie & Julia.

Julia Child - what a wonderful creature. Being so sure of yourself, so brave, so fearless. Walking into an industry that is so unforgiving.

Battling...challenging...competeing with judging eyes.

*sigh*

Courage. Love. Passion.

Julia and Paul Child's passionate marriage...always together...bathtub pictures.

The moment that they laid in bed and Julia said, "we'll figure it out"

I remember the companionship. I remember the nights explaining all my worries and having someone just wrap their arms around me - telling me it's going to be OK. Me...telling him...it's going to be OK.

The plans. The togetherness. The openness.

"They hate us"

They - the world outside, separate from the world within.

Someone believing...seeing...hoping for all the things in you.

"Don't get carried away."

Someone to reel you back in...keep your feet planted in reality.

And it is all said here:

"Every morning they liked to snuggle in bed together for a half hour after the alarm went off, and at the end of the day, Paul would read aloud from the New Yorker while Julia made dinner. “We are never not together,” Paul said once, contentedly. [T]he real reason their marriage continued to flourish despite the frantic demands they placed on it was that they...agreed to live one life..."

Beautiful.

I will have this. You know, the beauty of it all. I can look back on all the scars and understand, my character is built through these perceived weaknesses.

Through it all...I will grow, I have grown - and in this light, the calmness of vulnerability - I am me.

That is good enough for now...forever really...but I do want it.

I just won't look for it. I will let it find me.

Blogging is Awesome.

2009-12-15T00:22:00.000-08:00

I love blogging! I love to read blogs! And part of the reason is because of something that happened to me...

One of my readers pointed out yesterday how, although my self-reflections are important, that I do need to focus on the positive aspects of myself to begin the rebuilding process. (Thanks Singlemama! and everyone who commented on that post.)

And you know what? I have, sort of, felt depleted lately. Like, I'm so broken - I might as well not TRY right now...but why?

I'm scared. I'm scared to make all the mistakes again. Since my head and heart feel like they are going in different directions - I'm not sure I even trust myself to make a healthy choice.

But...I'm actually pretty happy!

Sometimes I feel lonely.

Sometimes I want my old life back...especially when I get scared. I'm not financially stable right now, and Freckles did help me complete my thesis!

How will I survive without him?

I don't know!!!! I just will!!!

So, here it is...I'm going to focus on the positive awhile. Yes, I've had some mistakes, but I've learned...I've moved on...I'm a little less broken than I was a year ago, a month ago, A DAY AGO.

My reader asked me to write about what I'm good at?...(and I thank her so much for the reminder to be positive and kind to myself)

Well...a lot of things! But right now - I'm damn good at picking up the pieces!

I'm finishing college with a near-perfect GPA (I let go of the perfectionism and got rid of my 4.0)!

I've had the strength and courage to put up boundaries, stand up for myself and my daughter, and seek good relationships for both of us...even if that meant leaving the stability of the family.

I finished my thesis for my degree, through the impossible (going through the separation, 1 week left, a couple of stay-up-all-night sessions, and a lot of time with Freckles - that takes strength)!

But mostly, I've dug into myself (as you've all seen), and stared at all the ugly pieces in an effort to polish them up and become a better person.

I am learning about motherhood all over again. I am learning about being alone (I moved right from my mom's house into Freckles' home). I am learning about MYSELF.

That...well...that IS positive.

AND

This is what makes blogging so awesome!

Owning the mess

2009-12-14T13:49:00.000-08:00

For me, I accepted that my marriage was over much sooner than we actually ended it. We attempted to work diligently to uncover all the things that led us down that path. It was partially selfish, as I wanted to uncover and correct my relationship patterns. Yet, there was part of me - hanging onto hope - that it would be OK.

I can't say had anything been handled differently - I would still be in my marriage. Obviously, I didn't play all of my cards right during the course of that year and they aren't different...That's my acceptance.

I own that.

As I made my way through couples counseling, I uncovered many of the aspects and underlying themes that constantly were nagging at me. Of the main three:

1) I have a conflict style of avoidance
2) I believe I am not good enough - ever.
3) I am a control freak

In these three, I have built a wall around myself. There is a wall keeping everyone at a distance, including my husband, and perhaps even my daughter. I have dealt with the fact I was a young mom getting married by simply avoiding it. As I stayed home for years, I spent time numbing out the pain that I had disappointed everyone. I spent time hiding out from my shame. I used my mom as an emotional crutch to help me overcome my feelings of inadequacy.

I own that.

It's not as dramatic as it seems. Through the process, I was a normal human being - not a zombie of baggage as the above suggests. I laughed, I loved cautiously, and I experienced life...but there was a part of me that was always scared. I tread into new social environments carefully as I feel judged about being young, or not having my husband on my side.

I own that.

I believe that I am not comfortable with my separation status. I know I'm still disheartened by the fact that I am becoming a single mom...wondering if it's all I know how to be since my mom was so very independent (she'd been married 3 times, but never again after my father). Perhaps that's all I know how to be now...is independent with a big, huge wall blocking anyone out.

I own that.

I look back as these beliefs from time to time...when I feel the motivation for action coming from them. If I begin to hear any form of these beliefs in my head, I work through them and confront them in attempt to taunt my avoidance conflict style.

I own it, I confront it, and then...

I try to let it go - feeling a bit out of control in the process but...hey...control is an illusion anyway. (RIGHT?!?!?)

And here as I own these pieces of myself, I think, that I just may be over analyzing the fundamental aspects of what makes me a wonderful, neurotic mess.

I own that.

Connecting the head and the heart

2009-12-13T11:05:00.000-08:00

I've been drunk on the emotions of a man. I've found all opposition from my better judgement to maintain a relationship with this man...*sigh*

I feel like I know better. I DO know better, but the head and the heart keep longing for different things.

My head...oh my head...my head writes this blog.

It drives all the logic and knowledge that I have attained through vast amounts of reading on bettering myself and my relationships. My head tells me to let go of everything...FOCUS....your (ex) husband has just moved out. You spent the day with your (ex) husband for your daughter...obviously, you are not as OVER him as I keep telling you that you need to be.

My heart...in all it's messiness...latches on to men.

It wants, wants, wants...the affections and desires of another man. It cannot stand hurting others, so even if I did want to cut off this feeling...well the repercussions have been too much to bear. I keep launching myself down into this pit - where I am surrounded by love but cannot grasp it, I cannot hold onto it because of all the other feelings that are stirred up.

This other "man" is not Freckles, and you know - he's the complete opposite of Freckles in every way. But my head...my head tells me that personality is only the exterior factors of what will make this man... A GOOD ONE for me.

How easy it is to look for the complete opposite of the relationship you were just in...but that doesn't make the man any better for you. Does it?

My head: I am in no position to continue this relationship

My heart: just...just a little bit longer?

My head: You need some time to be alone

My heart: You are alone...it is OK to spend time with someone who cares for you...

My head: He wants a relationship - you do not...you have told him...he still wants it...

My heart: Just enjoy it...just enjoy the ride.

*Sigh* and here I am...all messed up...wondering when my head and heart will be aligned once again? When will I have the strength to move past the WANTS of my heart and move onto it's needs...the need to heal...the need to take a breather...because apparently my heart is just as I am...Unable to communicate it's needs.

it only WANTS and those wants do NOT include healing.

"You are a selfish, heartless person"

2009-12-07T13:21:00.001-08:00

What do you do when your child's parent says mean, nasty things to you?

I feel like I have my hands tied. I'm attempting to have a positive realtionship with a man that holds so much anger towards me. I'm ready to focus on co-parenting, while he's still trying to grieve the loss of our marriage.

How do you act? How can you be the "better person"?

Part 4: The End.

2009-12-05T22:52:00.000-08:00

This is the final post in a series about my marriage and it's downfall. Since Freckles is moving out within the week - I am feeling the need to examine the relationship dynamic starting at the beginning and examining both of our contributions to it's demise.

***

I was the fallback girl during the course of my relationships.

Every relationship I had began with me picking a boy who showed small bits of superficial interest, no matter on who he was, and latching onto him. From this point on, I would expect him to mold into the ideal boyfriend - the one that remembered your birthday, called you frequently because he wanted to, and attempted to mesh with your friends.

Yet, he didn't want those things - so how could I expect him to fullfill my fantasy?

Here's the funny thing: Any guy who showed a remote interest in me, and looked to be the ideal boyfriend - I couldn't get close to. I couldn't view him as a boyfriend, only as a friend.

Perhaps I was afraid of intimacy.

I notice this going on dates with men now. Looking into someone's eyes for a prolonged period is damaging. It hurts my core. I suppose I feel like they will see the real me...the real me is still broken.

I want them to want me. I want them to enjoy my personality. But I don't want them to see into my soul. My soul feels only a quarter full, and it's aching to be fed pieces of garbage rather than genuine love. Those bits of garbage represent how I feel about myself, and I continually long to be filled up by those pieces.

Freckles and I were quite the match.

We were both emotionally unavailable from the start.

I played the victim, he played the abuser in our very own live performance of marriage.

We fought passionately - Him yelling, me crying and cowering. A learned behavior of abuse through my father - the cycle of provoking and then playing the victim. To this day, I tend to enjoy a moderate amount of dysfunction in my relationships. Somehow it is magnetic, me getting angry...then apologizing.

I was constantly distrusting of Freckles - any behavior at all that reminded me of my father, I would call out into the open and scrutinize. Then, he would hold me...I would feel safe again...something I NEVER felt through my father.

I needed protection.

I needed to be whole.

I convinced myself that Freckles was not like my father at all. I had gotten lucky, and escaped the cycle of abuse. I never really confided in anyone about what was going on in my relationship, because I was shamed by some of the signs of cheating that Freckles had exhibited.

So I isolated myself and allowed myself to be spoon fed lies! Lies that defied logic, and intuition. That's what happens when you isolate yourself. Reality is relative and it becomes so easy push away the truth in pursuit of false happiness.

But now...the fallback girl is changing. Me. I'm stronger, I'm putting up boundaries, I'm living my life separate, and learning to be an individual.

There are those who judge my decisions, and those that believe I should have made them long ago.

There are those who try to deter me from my journey of self-discovery, warning me of failure...but we must risk to gain.

There are those eager to paint me a victim, but I'm not. I put myself in the position I was in. I continued to stay even though another's actions were telling me to leave. I was driven by fear.

When I embraced love, when I became confident in my abilities - things relaxed and changed.

I'm not perfect. I haven't learned it all, but I've learned some...enough...and as I write this - I am at peace because I know my life is MINE - mine to live, mine to love, mine to make mistakes.

I am working, daily, to become a better person from all of this. I attempt to look at the downfall of my marriage as an opportunity rather than a failure. I'm laughing more, loving deeply, but eyeing my intentions. Am I ready to date? Do I focus too much on the man?
I'm owning up to pieces of me I can't change, and discovering pieces of me that faded.

Mostly, I have learned that Acceptance is important...but it only comes through the process of grief.

Freckles moves out tomorrow. The reality of our ending will be upon me. Things are going to change, but I will be fine. I will learn to live this way - even though it's hard! It's time for the end, and after my grief plays out - it will be time to accept...

It's over.

I will be moving forward, filling my heart with love, never regretting...learning...growing...expanding...changing...but most importantly - embracing me and never thinking that's anything less than awesome.

***
The End. Thanks for following this story.

Read:
Part 1: The History of A Marriage
Part 2: The Beginning is the Ending
Part 3: The Downfall

Part 3: The Downfall

2009-12-04T09:08:00.001-08:00

This is the third post in a series about my marriage and it's downfall. Since Freckles is moving out within the week - I am feeling the need to examine the relationship dynamic starting at the beginning and examining both of our contributions to it's demise.

***

Freckles never wanted marriage and during the course of it - took steps to be "free" from it all.

His cheating did not begin with having sex with other women. Here and there girls at his work would pop out with statements about liking him.

One girl put love notes on his car.

One suggested they have an affair.

One flirted with him with hugs, dirty suggestions, and trying to get him alone.

Soon after he left his high-profile job for one to be at home more - I found emails on his computer with one of the girls he worked getting progressively heated.

I didn't see the pattern until it was too late, and even if I had - I couldn't change it. Yet, I thought yelling and screaming was the answer to changing behavior. Scratch that - I thought I COULD change his behavior. Never understanding that behavior is an expression of attitude, and attitude can only be controlled by the individual.

Turns out: Freckles didn't believe in monogamy, and his behavior showed that. I wasn't prepared for the two affairs that followed. I was just beginning to relax. I found myself opening my heart, if only slightly.

Finding those texts on his phone was the shattering of my world. The shattering of this beautiful image of happily ever after that I was beginning to embrace. It was also the beginning of the idea that we had only created the facade of happy, when resentment and suffocation was brewing below the surface.

Perhaps that's not fair. Perhaps there were moments of happiness and they are now only soured by my overwhelming sense of frustration. These feelings bursting out of me - why...how? How can everything be great between two people, but be so terrible - at the same time?

I tried to save our marriage through sex.

We tried to go to couples counseling.

We tried to break through the exterior of anger that had separated us both from each other.

But we couldn't do it. I was too broken. He was too angry.

When news came that he was in trouble for sexual harrassment at work. I was done. I stayed through the summer, still chugging along, but under the surface: I knew. Did this idea create the manifestation of the downfall? I cannot say. However, I do know that my strength had been building and I had realized forgiveness did not mean continuing to stay in this pattern.

The last straw came in the form of him talking to his affair partner once again. I realized that I was waiting for someone to change that had no idea how to, or any motivation. I had become his fallback girl - spewing empty threats at him...many of which I was too scared to follow through.

As much as I was closed off emotionally - I was hooked on this pattern. And it continues... Now.

Now he wants to fix things.

Now he wants to try.

"I wasn't ready before."

"I wasn't willing to accept my problems - now I see them."

These sound wonderful. They sound like a man willing to give it a go, but what if the actions don't match the words?

He already continued his liason with his affair partner.

Sometimes you just have to accept that someone may finally see clarity, but not on your time schedule. Or perhaps, we must accept that others may see the need to change but are not ready to accept responsibility for the change.

I am working on owning my responsibility for the downfall...accepting my brokenness and working to fill in the gaps with self-awareness.

----

**More to Come**

Read
Part 1: The History of A Marriage
Part 2: The Beginning is the Ending
Part 3: The Downfall

Note: I realize this is long, but it's sort of just flowing. Once this is over, I intend to move on!

Part 2: The Beginning is the Ending

2009-11-30T14:55:00.000-08:00

This is the second post in a series about my marriage and it's downfall. Since Freckles is moving out within the week - I am feeling the need to examine the relationship dynamic starting at the beginning and examining both of our contributions to it's demise.

***

I spent so much time in a daze, trying to plan our whirlwind nuptials. Everyone knew about the impending birth - at my work, people were expressing their approval of my decision. Certainly, I was an upstanding woman if I made the "right choice" after my mistake. Yet, it seemed like the excitement was sucked out of me. I felt pure dread...I was going to be a MOM! A MOM!

I never had held a baby in my life. I didn't even know how to change a diaper.

When my soon-to-be husband told me how he took care of his little brother, 10 years younger - I swooned. This man was the one I was supposed to marry, right? He knew how to take care of me, and provide.

Yet, the pit of my stomach ached. I couldn't get over the terrible feeling that I was doing the wrong thing. We argued about the marriage. Neither of us wanted it, but I insisted. I thought by getting married, everything would be OK. I would be taken care of...I wouldn't have to be a young, single mom.

The stigma plagued me - surely, if I wasn't married, people would realize I got knocked up. My mistake was worn as a belly that could not be hidden. My shame was apparent to everyone.

(I feel so guilty associating my daughter with my shame, but the truth is...I did. And for a long time, it was difficult for me to accept my role as a mother.)

My insistence to get married continued, and 4 months later - I was walking down the aisle, watching my future husband bawl as I approached. I thought his tears were so beautiful at the time...this is how much he wants me - I am with the man I'm supposed to be with.

Looking back, perhaps the tears were not a sign of joy, but fear.

The day we got married, we escaped it all by running to Red Robin in our formal wear. We sat at the table together, making idle chit chat...feeling somewhat relieved that it was all over. Yet, it was never the same again.

Once we walked down that aisle - it changed, we changed...and somehow we couldn't ever go back.

That night, we tried to make love. My whole body was tense - our love making had always been passionate, tonight and from then on...it was distracted, uncomfortable, and painful.

Was it my lack of trust in a man that had already cheated on me?

Was it my reaction to the decision to marry despite my intuition telling me otherwise?

Was it my own shame overcoming my body and closing off to the man that tried to care for me?

It wasn't always bad. Freckles attempted to care for me during my pregnancy in various ways. He cooked and bought items for the baby - but I never again opened my heart. I tried to convince myself that I wasn't used to a healthy relationship dynamic - that's why I was uncomfortable, but it just felt so wrong.

From our wedding day forward, I felt like I had transformed into a machine. My personal feelings shoved so far down inside me...I could hardly breathe. I didn't know how to function under this facade.

I put on a smile, closed off my heart, and moved forward through the years.

*****
To be continued
or
Part 1: The History of A Marriage
Part 2: The Beginning is the Ending
Part 3: The Downfall

Part 1: The History of a Marriage

2009-11-30T13:51:00.001-08:00

This is the first post in a series about my marriage and it's downfall. Since Freckles is moving out entirely within the week - I am feeling the need to examine the relationship dynamic starting at the beginning and examining both of our contributions to it's demise.
***

The History Of A Marriage:

First, I had a great holiday with my family! I haven't had that much time away for quite awhile, and it seemed like my relationship with my family had been strained during the course of my marriage. I isolated myself from them due to my own shame about my choices.

It turns out - no one approved of me getting married to my [soon-to-be] ex. AT ALL. My family wanted to support me during my hasty marriage, to ensure they were there when things unraveled. Depressing? A little.

Looking back, I realize that they were trying to warn me in the best possible way.

"Just because you are pregnant, doesn't mean you have to get married"

"Getting married is a huge step - not one to be taken in a few short months"

"I know you care about him, I know you are scared - just give yourself sometime before making any decisions."

Freckles and I married due to an unintended pregnancy, 2 months into our dating relationship. We had been exclusive, but it was only a month after I found out he had slept with one other woman.

No one came out with a swift kick to my ass. However, would I have listened? Probably not. I was a 19 year old pregnant "good girl" who had hardly even stepped out of line during her high school years. There was NO expectation for me to get knocked up. When Freckles was willing to step up to the plate, I felt protected...guided...I felt he would take care of me.

Something my dad never provided. (ahh...there's the daddy complex)

Yet, our marriage began so poorly. Neither of us really wanted to get married so soon. We felt we needed to be responsible and that meant wedding vows prior to pregnancy - but we'd have to settle for vows before birth.

****

To be continued.

Read:

Part 1: The History of A Marriage
Part 2: The Beginning is the Ending
Part 3: The Downfall

Not Interested

2009-11-26T01:29:00.000-08:00

When a guy asks how you are feeling...then laughs when you tell him...

Not interested.

Even though someone has wonderful personal qualities such as being sweet, in touch with their feelings, and generous - they still may lack in other qualities that are entirely important: honesty, ability to empathize appropriately, and overall class.

****

Yeah, as you can tell from this post - Just had my first, bad online dating experience.

Unfortunately, I made a very similar mistake to my usual pattern: getting emotionally invested too early. However, in my defense, I attempted to break things off early with this person but they continued to pursue at their own accord. Which I suppose, might lead the question - what person pursues a broken piece of machinery? (Well, besides me...heh)

Other questions arise:

In any new dating experience, what is considered telling too much up front and what is considered omission by not?

Is there a time line for incorporating your past?

In online dating, is it best to NOT develop a "connection" on the Internet before meeting IRL?

Insecurity and red flags

2009-11-23T18:54:00.000-08:00

Lately, I've been thinking about TRUST and my feelings associated.

See - I'm wading in the murky waters of dating while separated. It's definitely got major challenges associated, and I'm not even sure if it's the right thing to do. However, I do feel like there is a lot that I learn about myself through the process.

One thing I have discovered is my own insecurities, especially after Freckles' affairs. Many of these insecurities are deep rooted in 1 belief:

Men are untrustworthy.

In particular, I view a lot of men who have MANY friends that are girls as being untrustworthy. I feel like having a lot of girl friends, and very few guy friends, signals an imbalance in the type of support that is sought out from me (as a girlfriend). While I know I can't be everything to a boy - I do believe that I should be a good source of female support!

ME ME ME! And that attitude leads me to feel wrong.

I know that feelings are never WRONG. I know that jealousy is a common theme that many of us struggle because inside jealousy, there is insecurity, and if that isn't dealt with...the result is a shredding of all trust in a relationship.

I don't want to be that girl that whines about him hanging out with his friends instead of me (quite frankly, I don't have that much time to worry about that), but when those friends are mainly girls...what boundaries are there, and do I need to be concerned?

When a guy has more girl friends than guy friends - is this a red flag to turn and run? or an opportunity to have a discussion?

Letting go of control and moving ahead

2009-11-17T18:57:00.000-08:00

Another day, another blog!

I've been really reading other's blogs lately for comfort, wisdom, and understanding. I have been revisiting older entries on the blogs to gain an understanding of the confusing time of separation and the impending divorce.

A post written on the blog To Be Determined (An awesome blog!), Step Forward...even if you're not ready, featured this quote:

“By stepping forward-even when you’re sure not ready-you’ll find genius, power, and magic. Your way will become clear. Often times, we’re foggy about our purpose, not quite sure what we want, and it’s only because we’ve been too timid to stick our necks out”

To me, this quote reminded me that I don't have to do it perfect...there isn't a magic ending point of "ready." Part of my life is going to be making mistakes! I have to quit gripping on the control, the drive to get everything right the first time. I have to realize the fear of making mistakes will draw more mistakes! I cannot be afraid of being "not ready" - because that attitude only traps me in my prison of fear.

This is MY time...MY time to discover me. This quote, however, also made me realize that it doesn't mean being alone. In fact, I would say the opposite is true. I do have to figure out how to BE alone, but spending significant time alone will only draw on my desire to quickly seek out the wrong relationships. I have felt desperate in my lonely times...desperate for love, affection, and desire. So, I find someone...someone who seems pretty good...and I inflate their importance to me.

THAT's the StudentMama pattern.

No, I shouldn't continually try to be lonely, as if being in that state long enough would make immune, nor should I avoid it. What is important, however, is that I try new things! That I grow. I realize, looking back at Funnyman, that the part that made me most happy and excited was the fact that I was engaging with someone new, and a new experience! Funnyman and I still chat from time to time, but the fog is gone. Sometimes I feel the familiar pull in his direction, but I caution myself. He has, somewhat, been a reminder of where I'm at...raw, and a little broken.

I don't have to do things one way. I don't have to live in constant fear. I don't have to hold a situation so tightly...trying to ensure it does not escape me, or that I don't stumble along the way. What I do need to do is start out, and see where life takes me - learning to deal with the bumps a long the way.

These bumps are so much more managable on the real life trek, instead of the mountains they seem like in my head!

Intuition is powerful

2009-11-14T18:19:00.000-08:00

I read a past post at The Naked Soul regarding the language of the universe. Part of this post discusses intuition and the process of listening to/ignoring our individual inner voice, as well as, failing to recognize the language of the Universe.

In many areas of my life - I remember my intuition crying out to me, and me not listening at all!

For instance, I went to culinary school despite the deep aching in me to not attend. I mistook the feeling for fear, really it was my gut trying to tell me not to go. I dropped out and spent $17,000 in the process.

I got married, even though, the feeling in the pit of my stomach was crying out to me to run away to Antarctica. I, now, realize I got married out of fear...fear of being alone...raising a kid alone.

I continued hanging out with people that put me down, or I didn't feel comfortable around...going against my intuition. I thought it was my problems, and having friends is better than having no one at all...right? Again, fear.

My intuition is telling me to be done with my relationship, despite Freckles calls to do otherwise. I didn't mistake it for fear this time, I see my fears clearly now.

I'm scared of being alone
I'm scared of financially supporting my daughter
I'm scared of not having a fall back plan
I'm scared of failure
BUT...

My inner voice cried out to me that it's over.

Previously, fear overrode my better judgment. Previously, I mistook the intuition for fear, the feeling that I was just nervous about changes in my life, but really, it wasn't that at all. It was that little nagging voice, that heavy feeling at the pit of your stomach, the goosebumps on your body...And this - I no longer can ignore.

I'm learning to tune into my intuition, and judge it for what it is...rather than assuming it is what it is not.

I am secure, I am provided for, I am strong.

Intuition, I believe, is truly a powerful asset. Use it!

Boundary #3: Stating a Boundary once

2009-11-13T13:18:00.000-08:00

For me, boundaries have always been hard! Even when I did set them - it was easy for me to justify someone crossing it.

When they didn't call...

"Well, we didn't decided on an exact time..."

When a guy talked to his ex all the time.

"That's probably good that they are good friends..."

When they want privacy in EVERYTHING, and they get angry if you ask simple questions?

"Well we all deserve to have our own personal space...Right?"

Called me a Bitch.

"Well, I am sort of being one."

There are just too many times where I was able to let my mind talk me out of a situation that screamed RED FLAG.

I've written about some of my boundaries in past posts.

Do what you say you're going to do and No Love = No respect = No sex, and now...

Stating a boundary once.

Lately, Freckles has been talking about wanting to try at our marriage. I have been very hesitant. After all, being with 4 different women in a 5.5 year relationship period is quite a lot to forgive and work through. I put a lot of effort into the betterment of our marriage after finding out about the extent of his affairs, and at some point - I realized that changing him wasn't in mental, physical, or emotional capacity.

A particular issue that has always made me uncomfortable, and unsafe, with Freckles is the inability to trust he will follow boundaries. For instance, during our separation - anytime we're around each other, he tries to hold me, touch me, or cuddle with me. I, personally, feel very uncomfortable when he does this and I've reiterated it. Yet, the behavior continues. I've become emotionally exhausted combating this behavior. Constantly, I'm asking him to give me space, holding up my hand in between us, ensuring there is plenty of physical space between us at all times.

I was able to justify it for awhile. "Well, you know - it takes a long time to get over habits" BUT I think it's reasonable to assume someone will attempt to work within another individual's boundaries if there is mutual respect.

And it just reminds me of our marriage.

Setting boundaries and sticking to them is hard, and that was MY fault, but you should only have to set a boundary...once. You give someone a chance to learn their lesson...once. If it takes more than once, it's not your job to fix it. It's not your job to talk until your face turns blue trying to get them to understand...cause they don't want to understand - their actions show it.

So believe it, cause things don't change when you constantly let someone walk through your boundaries...worse...you forget that you deserve any at all.

Being hooked on the Man in the Mirror

2009-11-10T13:01:00.000-08:00

My last post was sort of a vague description of my weekend...Not making much sense to anyone but me...That's how I needed it to be for the time. Now, I can explain.

I had been hooked on Funnyman. No, I didn't give him up when I knew I should. I wrote about giving him up earlier but the vulnerable side of me still needed him. After my ah-ha moment in the sex talk, I told him that I didn't want to talk to him anymore. Yet, of course, in my pattern - his explanation for what he meant somehow covered the first response.

Funnyman and I didn't sleep together. We never made it to that point. We just continued talking, respecting each others space. I was hooked on this relationship, why?

Was he my man in the mirror? Was he the reflection of me?

Funnyman still was going through a hard time after his break up with an EX. This was his sob story. Luckily, I had recognized it and really pulled myself back when he began talking about her. I didn't want to feel like "fixing it" because I knew better. It wasn't my place to interject. He had his feelings, and that was fine - but I needed to reflect on my own pain.

The past couple of weeks, we had drawn closer. It became increasingly intense. I was sort of suffocating but intoxicated all at once. Somehow, in our brokenness - we found each other. He was intuitive, he was perceptive, he was lonely, he was understanding, and he was broken...

Just like me.

I had been honest with my ex. I wasn't hiding anything. Yet, there was a blow up. One night when I was on the phone with Funnyman, Freckles was having his time with our DD. I had been holed up in my bedroom. - I was sick. My phone rang, and there I was - a man from my past in my living room, and a man in the present on the phone. Yet, really, they were both men in my present, the divorce is not final, and that's why I felt so ugly.

After the conversation - Freckles threw a mantrum, and he ended up in my face yelling at me and increasingly getting physical. This has happened before, although he had never hit me. He just wanted to intimidate me. I knew, that night, that my relationship with him was finished. I was done. Even after he apologized, I couldn't ever go back. It was a complete reenactment of a relationship I had in high school where my ex came into my house when I was on the phone with a new boy and knocked the phone out of my hand and punched a hole in my wall. This realization pointed out that I needed to have better boundaries.

Yet, I also realized that I did have to have a relationship with this man due to our daugher. And, somehow, his mantrum knocked me out of my intoxicated fog with Funnyman and made me see...This wasn't what I needed. Even though I felt manipulated, and angry at Freckles - I also knew I was doing myself an injustice. My pattern is to go from one man to the next very quickly. Being alone was difficult for me.

I also realized that I had projected all my fears and ugliness into this relationship forming with Funnyman, and here it was manifesting - tearing it down. I had been saying "this will never work...I'm separated not divorced, I have a kid, Freckles is still too much in my life"...and all these are good reasons I shouldn't get serious with someone. However, all of these repeated led to the build up of a very nasty take down. I called Funnyman up, crying, and told him it was done. It was all too dramatic - it didn't need to be this way, and I knew it.

I know that my fears are imagined. I know that they create barriers to my happiness. Yet, now I also know...I need to face the ME in the Mirror, instead of always looking for the Man.

The day reality sought punishment

2009-11-09T00:10:00.000-08:00

I wanted to be more than me...because this me didn't seem good enough. The fears began to manifest, I worried so much. Today, it all came crashing down on my little world - the one where I felt protected. Complications collided, feelings exploded, and my reality sought out punishment.

Investing into someone seems so pointless, when the exchange of power is abused. The exchange of power being the moments when you become, just a little, vulnerable. Before, I gave it all...I wanted to be vulnerable with him - with men - because then...they would see how fragile I was. They would WANT to be different. They were not, because I was not. Now I am, he and I just don't fit.

I was projecting when I met you. I thought you wanted me for a conquest. Instead, I found, you were just as scared as me to get involved. Then we were broken, together, carrying baggage from millions of broken hearts in the past. When I told you it was over - I decided for myself, I needed it to be. The fears I had, manifested, we couldn't hide them any longer. And I could no longer hide me, I felt ugly under your precious eyes. Yet, you looked at me so lovingly and I pushed you away. I was scared of what MIGHT happen and because of this...that something did...happen.

He bullied me into letting you go. He manipulated me. But the bottom line is: I let myself be scared. I let myself project the fears. I highlighted all those negative words...and ran with them. Yet, I do not regret it. You deserve better than that...so do I. I just haven't grown that much as of late. It looks like I have more work to do. I have to grow, I have to learn, and I have to let go of my fears. I will be positive once more.

I...will...be...fine.

****

ETA: the explaination of this post can be seen here.

Acceptance is Real

2009-11-07T00:25:00.000-08:00

The world for a single mom can be a lonely place. You are suddenly shifted into a territory of parenting that is responsible for only 26% of children. You are the minority, and that place gets very lonely. Judged, confused, and often shunned - one turns to friends, family, and resources they never thought to use. Yet, as with all life's plights - acceptance is the key.

I am learning to accept my transition to single parenthood. I shuffle, I stumble, and sometimes simply am not aware of the path before me. The road is often dark, and even with the headlamp I'm using - I've only gained limited tunnel vision. The next 50 feet are unknown - there are rocks...it's quiet, dark, and unsettling. I manage through persistence, and stubbornness - that's all.

The tunnel vision I'm experiencing, I realize, is only an illusion. After all, I certainly didn't expect to see the downfall of my marriage in such a short time. A little over a year...is all it took. Perhaps it was longer...I certainly didn't sense it. I must have had tunnel vision all this time - there was just a fallback, a plan B. He was my plan B...now I have to learn to be my plan B. The fallback has been taken.

I thought my future existed with a man. My future is me, my daughter - our life. Growing, sharing, and experiencing in new ways. I am limitless, there are no boundaries. Suddenly, launched - I no longer grasp for safety. The moments of desperation fade with tears, and a good book.

I feel, freedom in my future...even if I don't see it. After all, hindsight is only 20/20 if we continue to look backwards. I learned my lessons - I reflected...I'm over it. It may have slipped through my fingers this time, but only because I thought I saw something real in in my tunnel vision - it was only an illusion. The acceptance is real.

A writing from a year ago...

2009-11-03T22:28:00.000-08:00

I found this writing from March 2009.

****

I guess I didn't really know where else to turn. I feel pretty alone lately. I'm not really sure where I stand in my relationship or my life. I realized something pretty distressing...I hate myself. I always have. I've always believed that the way to happiness was through being skinny or through a relationship.

Freckles, my husband, was someone/thing I latched onto because I believed he could make me happy. We had fun together, we were happy, and so when I became pregnant - the obvious answer to me was to get married. I sort of just believed we'd make it work. I believed I was determined enough. Yet, the largest hurdle I've found is the fact that I can be as committed as they come, and still...my husband may not be. I guess the hardest part was that my husband did everything for me for the last 4 years and I couldn't appreciate it - I certainly feel like it's too late.

I'm not happy here. Why? Because I'm co-dependant. Because I'm insecure. Because I no longer feel like a good person. How do you develop self esteem in your adult life? I certainly have no real role models for happy marriages, my mom was a single, independant woman. There is a piece of me that believes if I can only get through this year, and be done with school, then I can go off and be a single woman. I can be a mom and support my daughter financially. The hardest desicion is wheither or not to leave DD's father...how can I deprive her of a male figure, a good dad, and a happy home?

I can't trust my husband anymore because the truth is, he cannot trust himself. The truth is, I cannot help but try to control him. Everyday he tells me who he talks to, what is said...and, assuming he's honest, I just don't feel that he can be faithful. We fight constantly. Even being drawn to other women, he cannot self-regulate and backpeddle without me waving the red flag. Who is this man? Who did we become? I cannot help but look at myself and wonder - WHY AM I NOT GOOD ENOUGH?

I issued an ultimatium - either he does some soul searching and fully is committed to our marriage, without other women, or I'm gone. I don't know how to support myself or my daughter, but I certainly cannot continue to wake up everyday knowing my husband struggles with his feelings for me and is unsure if he still wants to be married. That he wants me in his life but he can't really stop thinking about being with other women.In some ways this situation is much harder than simply a man who fell in love with another woman. My husband didn't even care for the other person...and is constantly looking at other women...he said it's hard to live knowing that he "can't".

I don't want to give up - I want to know that I went out trying...that although I gave it my all, our marriage couldn't weather the storm. But I'm sick of having to control someone so closely, and constantly feel degraded by their lack of regard for my distrust of them. I want to become a better person, but I'm tired...I'm lonely...I'm frustrated. Perhaps that means staying, trying, but developing myself beyond my husband. or maybe that means leaving...I don't know anymore. I cannot pretend I'm strong all the time. I feel destroyed. I've lost myself. How do you know when it's time to give up, when you have pledged to never give up, but you feel that your spouse has given up on you?

***

Amazing how I could see the future 7 months before it was over. I knew, but this was colored in fear. I was scared, terrified.

Now, I'm excited for the future!

Rediscovering my weird

2009-11-03T01:11:00.000-08:00

There was a big change in me, once the separation in my marriage took place. I began to rediscover me, not my amazing depth or wonderful character (ha!) - but the quirks that just made me...me..!

Cliche, yes, but once I loosened up and the sadness was fleeting - I remember just talking and noticing how I smiled, how I moved my arms, and the way I laughed so hard I got tears in my eyes over the smallest things.

I've rediscovered...my weird! And boy...AM I WEIRD?

I like mustard, and yellow m&m's, and leaping as if I'm on stage in my living room, and laughing. I'm silly. I think it's funny when I curse in front of my grandma and then feel terribly guilty but can't help giggling with my mom later. The biggest quirk: I over think EVERYTHING. I cannot enjoy a date because I wonder - should I try to reach for the check...or not? If I order steak, I'll look like a pig...if I order salad - I'll look like a wimp!

I enjoy laughing at myself when I accidentally step out of my high heel (that happened today), and pouting in the most dramatic way. These were things about myself that I tried to hide.

But why?

I realized that the fact that I felt the need to hide aspects of myself was the true betrayal, and that my marriage was never authentic if these aspects were not present. I was pretending...fake, and false. Boy, is that depressing - no wonder I felt so unhappy and restrained.

But I'm rediscovering myself, my quirks, and learning to love them. I don't want to hide them, I want to flaunt them! They ARE my amazing depth and wonderful character! I want to accept myself, and learn to find my strength in these traits - because even if restrained...they never go away!

I told me so...You told me so

2009-10-31T21:48:00.000-07:00

Well, so THAT was stupid. The idea that a casual relationship could really transpire. I should have guessed - should have known...

I hadn't talked to Funnyman for a few days, because I told him I would be busy. We sorted out that we would just catch up when things calmed down a bit. Two days went by and I got a late email - telling me he was online if I wanted to talk for a bit. He wasn't around by the time I got the message, and I was feeling disappointed. Of course, I handled it fine - all in stride.

I had a busy Saturday morning - soccer pictures and game, as well as, spending the morning with Freckles, and then shopping for a birthday present. I decided to chill out at home after the madness when Funnyman gets a hold of me. He, of course, tells me about his fun pre-halloween drunken night. I'm starting to feel a little upset.

It's not that I felt jealous, or even upset that he went out. We're not dating - whatever, do what you want. I think what bugs me is the yo-yo I'm feeling, and it feels pretty familiar. One minute I'm his friend to confide in, and the next I'm a love interest. I, of course, want him to be open - but I don't like what I'm hearing. It's just not me. I don't DO drunken nights and it's bugging me...bad.

Yet, instead of just stepping up and telling him how I felt, I did what any mature adult would do and started to SHUT DOWN. He could tell something was up and even asked but I couldn't articulate what I was feeling. I just told him that the relationship was a little weird due to our frequent talking and not really knowing what direction the relationship was going.

And then he admitted it - He *wanted* me.

I asked: For sex?

Him: Not JUST sex, but neither of us is ready for a relationship

Me: I don't DO casual sex.

Him: *laughing* I don't like to plan things

Me: *silence*

Why didn't I just say: this sounds like we're after two different things? Why didn't I hang up the phone right then?

When I finally did, try to tell him how I felt - I just ended up feeling worse...I felt embarrassed. Maybe I was thinking too much, maybe I was over analyzing things, but the truth of the matter is...we DO want different things. And if we're just friends that's fine, but just friends really isn't the option I thought it was.

Yes, everyone was right - I'm not ready for this. Most importantly, I knew it - That's what the ICK was about and, again, didn't listen.

The bright side: I never did sleep with him.

The ick

2009-10-27T22:17:00.000-07:00

Although my instinct tell me to back away from talking to Funnyman - I cannot quit the companionship element that this relationship has brought. Freckles was such a big element of conversation, and friendship - that I simply feel at odds with myself by having that suddenly depart. Enter Funnyman, who has - at the very least - brought some laughter back in.

Am I betraying myself by indulging in this forbidden fruit? Or is the fruit not so terrible afterall? Fliratious conversation coupled with sharing an interaction with another human being certainly feels good. Yet, there are aspects of my life that are going unfullfilled. I am staying up later, scrambling to finish homework last minute, and I feel like I'm operating a little out of reality.

Is this normal...is this good...is this right? One has to wonder - after separation...what IS normal?

I'm once again learning the quirks about myself that somehow have melded into the marriage I was in. They were no longer highlighted aspects about myself. In fact, some of the things I used to LOVE about myself became burdens and insecurity lingered. I was often critical of the very things that I had always found unique.

I know, I know. Learning to love yourself is the most important thing you can do. Afterall, if you don't love yourself - how can someone else love you. yada yada. But I don't want love necessarily...I guess I just want some escape from the terrible feeling that I have failed. I wanted some acceptance. Further, I wanted some definition - It's over.

There's the ick again. Why do I have the ick?

...

What I want

2009-10-26T00:26:00.001-07:00

Maybe I want...

love, experience, to relax, to just breathe, to open up to possibilities, to never say never.

I know that I want...

respect, care, unconditional love, to enjoy the moment, to understand myself better.

To engage in...

laughter, openness, goofiness, oddities, faith, happiness, and endless possibilities.

To be with people who...

understand, believe in me, I believe in, makes me laugh, I can make laugh, never gives up, treats everyone as equal.

I want to just be open to life. I want to research the world. I want to be ever learning, growing, experiencing.

Maybe freedom is what I needed...to really learn what I need.

Relationships - What do I want?

2009-10-25T14:48:00.000-07:00

Weird weekend.

I've still been talking to that guy. You know, the one that I realized I wasn't ready to date. While I've backed off, and signaled friendship - there is still a pull in that direction. I don't know if it's just because I'm desiring the interaction, a huge possibility. However, casual sex is always something that alluded me even though I crave the interaction.

Even though I know I need to be alone, emotionally - is a sexual relationship an option or destructive after marriage?

***

After talking with this new guy - we'll call him Funnyman - I've been smiling a lot more and just generally feeling less stressed. He's nice, and I like that. Friendship with the option for a little more is good right now. However, Freckles is having a hard time.

As I mentioned before, Freckles and I have been somewhat open about our intentions. We got into a discussion yesterday about how he missed me. He even started crying. It was terrible, I was even starting to get teary. But my instincts told me...I knew it wasn't real.

I just couldn't believe that the only time he really CARED about our relationship was when I was showing signs of moving on. I have read Mr. Unavailable and The Fallback Girl, at least most of it, and the patterns are there. As soon as it looks like I'm OUT - he's there to try and reel me back in.

I just told him...I cannot do it anymore. I go back to my books and try to move on. Freckles and I are just no good together. We're enablers...I excuse his behavior, I make him feel good about himself - and he has highlighted every fear that I have about myself, including commitment and failure.

I just received my copy of "It's Called A Breakup Because It's Broken." For now, I'm sitting back and thinking a lot - what do I want?

Cause I sure, as HELL, do not want THAT marriage back.

RED FLAG, ABORT MISSION!

2009-10-24T00:28:00.000-07:00

"Men that tell you sob stories, do so because they’re trying to tell you not to come any closer. They’re giving you a heads up and a Get Out a Moment and if you don’t grab it with both hands, they become your sob story."

-NML, Mr. Unavailable and The Fallback Girl

I'm listening...thank god - I'm listening!

Learning to be single, again

2009-10-23T13:59:00.000-07:00

Wow.

Adjusting to the single life is absolutely the most difficult part of separation, for me. I think I prepared myself for the failure of my marriage. I'm sure at some point it will hit me hard that my marriage has ended. For now, it's adjusting to being just ME & DD - or Freckles & DD. It's also difficult to readjust to looking at guys again and thinking about not being ready to date yet.

There are so many things to learn:

How to plan vacations, the future, and my life?

How to feel about the opposite sex?

How to figure out study time, my time, and quality time with daughter?

Most importantly: how to feel again?

I think towards the end of my marriage - I began to realize that things were ending. Even though, actually, things were going really well - I could feel it in me that things were just...over! I was too damaged, and our relationship trust level was so low - Freckles and I were not really showing any signs of FIXING the problems existing. So I had prepared myself for the end...

Now, there are a bunch of loose ends. I'm separated, not single. So it's this whole new limbo that I've never experienced. I'm enjoying the freedom, and lack of pressure - but also realizing there are so many things that I still CAN'T do. Whoever said getting a divorce is too easy, either has a lot of funds to complete it quickly or never had any love to begin with.

Divorce isn't easy, and Separation is even more difficult. I don't know what's right and wrong anymore, and I really just don't know how to feel anymore about anything.

I know I'm in an adjustment period, and I will get through it. I'm not really down and out, or upset - it's just...well...different. I have to relearn a lot of things, adjust expectations, and figure out what I need to move on.

Why I'm not ready to date.

2009-10-21T00:26:00.000-07:00

I did something stupid.

I said yes to a date. Freckles and I have already decided it was ok to move on in the love department. He's already on dating sites, and I've been very open with him about my intentions. I'm not really searching for it, but I might consider it if I was approached.

So, I was approached. I've been talking to this guy and we hit it off. I was sort of excited to have something casual - casual companionship. There was one little speedbump...

...I was terrified to tell him I had a kid. He didn't know. I hadn't really spoken about her because our converstaions had, previously, been short. Yet, this conversation went longer, and my intuition was tugging at me - telling me that it was time to let him know.

I told him in my own quirky way, he accepted it. BUT...

...then he said "you should have said something sooner".

I felt sort of bad, we had talked two times previously and I didn't mention it then. It was a little out of fear, because I'm a fish out of water here. I know kids can be viewed as baggage, and I've never dated with a kid.

We talked about some other things. Then I did something else stupid...I apologized.

"Sorry I didn't tell you sooner about my kid."

"It's OK, I forgive you" with a cutesy tone...

Power on a platter. Why did I feel so icky? It was residual ickiness - sort of like when you eat too much ice cream and the next morning you've got a sugar hangover...

I felt MAD! I should not apologize for not telling him sooner - we had talked 2 times briefly. We hadn't even gone on a date. My daughter is important to me...Does it need to be the first thing I tell a guy? Is that the whole me? I think the other parts are really cool too! The dating experience is about revealing information...learning about one another. I hadn't been on even a date yet! I owe him nothing.

Then I realized what was REALLY bothering me...

Is it me? Is it me who feels ashamed of my motherhood? Is it me who feels ashamed of being a single mom? Not because it isn't awesome, but because I thought I'd be married forever...protected from the judgements of others. Isn't that why I got married in the first place? To feel like getting knocked up wasn't so bad?

At the end of the conversation he said "I'll talk to you tomorrow, possibly?" I felt relief, but why? Because he was kind enough to grace, little ol' me with his voice again? Because I felt accepted by someone else, therefore I was ok? Shit.

I've got issues to deal with here...issues with ME! That have nothing to do with HIM! It wouldn't be fair to involve someone in my life right now, casual or otherwise.

...and...*sigh*...THAT's just a small piece of why I'm not ready to date.

Challenging times

2009-10-18T13:46:00.000-07:00

How does one prepare for a week that feels utterly impossible?

My FIL is in town. Freckles and FIL will be out hunting for the week - but there will be family time as well. MIL will be here by Thursday with much more alone time. FIL and MIL both know about our separation, making the week one to dread.

Yet, if I sit here and dwell on the "bad" that may come - won't that create it? Won't it manifest and inject into my life?

I'm here to say this week will be positive. I will face the world as the same woman, perhaps with somewhat different titles. Yet, I am my daughter's mother. I am Freckle's wife, even if we are separated.

This week will be positive for my family, and hopefully, set a good tone for our future relationships.

Boundary #2: No love = No respect = No sex

2009-10-17T12:04:00.000-07:00

I have spent a lot of my sexual career, listening to the wants of others. I remember with my partners, I didn't place limitations on how soon, how I wanted to be treated, and how I felt about sexual activity.

Maybe this sounds a little prude. However, I equate sex with a pretty serious relationship. I think sex inherently is risky, therefore, there needs to be a discussion of what we're bringing to the table. I believe in monogamy. I do not have one night stands because I cannot open my body to someone without a direction for the relationship.

Is there anything wrong with that?

I believe in "doin' it" when I'm good and ready. Maybe that does make me prude. However, all too often - I tried to use sex to create the monogamy. I tried to win back freckles using sex. In doing so, I realized how little I really enjoyed it! I always put others needs before mine, so much so, that I absolutely did not even know what I needed.

Last night Freckles and I had a long talk - it was the first time we have talked since the separation. Somehow that lead to him telling me how beautiful, how he loves me, how he wants to kiss me...etc. It was hard, very hard, to look him in the eye and tell him - NO! He kissed me anyway.

And that's when I pushed him away and told him to listen to me - I don't want to be involved with him like this - especially when he can't listen to me and what I want.

My life is a soap opera, that I'm creating.

The more I reflect, the more I figure what I want...the less I feel drawn into this relationship. I'm not perfect, I could have done things differently last night, but I certainly know I'm growing.

Separation Feelings

2009-10-15T10:43:00.000-07:00

Separation sucks...so many know the feelings of emptiness, sadness, and anxiety once the final string is pulled.

Then there's LIFE! You can't stop living it, well most can't, and close the door to the bedroom waiting to feel whole again. You just jump out there. Sometimes the motions feel so very difficult, as if your body somehow converted to a machine, magically.

That's how I felt this morning. It was the first night that Freckles and I slept in different areas. Since counseling, yesterday, we felt the need to distance ourselves. The separation suddenly became very weird. A cloud of awkward energy filled the house. Our DD felt it too - acting out this morning.

That was HARD. As a parent, there is incredible guilt about any slight action effecting your child the rest of their life. But this wasn't a slight action...

This was a BIG action, with a very painful and uncomfortable result.

So many thoughts and questions:

Maybe we should sleep in the same bed, so we don't confuse her? Maybe we're doing the wrong thing trying to separate? Maybe we shouldn't try living together? Maybe Freckles could change...Maybe...but Maybe not.

That thought - this one right here: MAYBE NOT was enough for me. With my heart broken, I must pick up the pieces to LEARN to be the parent, student, and INDIVIDUAL that I need to be.

But, man, it sucks!

A wonderful quote

2009-10-13T21:46:00.000-07:00

“Know that by past choices made, yours or someone else’s, you are right where you are meant to be at this moment. Be joyous, and grateful. Always listen to your inner voice, as it is Spirit and the very essence of life, and happiness.” – Maya Angelou

From: To Be Determined

Boundary #1: Do what you say you're going to do!

2009-10-12T16:20:00.000-07:00

Bottom Line: Actions speak louder than words.

One thing that hurts me in a relationship (friendship or otherwise) is when I receive empty promises. I hate it when someone promises me that they will do something for me, and then mysteriously is busy during that time period.

Freckles used to do this. He would promise to call if he was going to be late. Mysteriously when the clock struck 8pm - I would hear nothing. Fifteen minutes later - I would try to call...no answer. When he finally called I got the "Oh, I didn't hear my phone" and "You know how the food industry is...I can just LEAVE when it's time?"

The worst part was how I dealt with it - tears and anger...

And guess what? Things didn't change. Things didn't change for years, until we finally sought the help of a counselor. Still, even though things changed...he didn't want to change (And that's another boundary for another day).

This isn't the only relationship where things go this way. My mother is the champion of overbooking herself. Often leading to me scrambling to make secondary plans last minute. Our Halloween is schedule has turned up empty due to this unfortunate choice.

I've never set boundaries because I felt mean. I felt like saying "You may not do this to me" is inflexible. No determined woman, especially who is trying to stay true to her marriage, could ever TRULY have boundaries. How can she fight through the hard times? Well, that's silly!

I think there is a definite difference between "threatening" and "holding boundaries". Threatening is destructive. It's promise with no follow through. Generally, it's meant for holding control in the relationship, which diminishes over time the more you lack the action. Holding boundaries is the follow through part - it's where your actions match your words. "I know I deserve to be respected. I deserve a phone call, or the respect to hold your promise to me."

Threatening without follow through is simply breaking down the relationship. I threatened to leave Freckles so many times that he just resigned to the fact that SOMEDAY I would leave him. Just as he broke my trust when he cheated, I broke his trust when I threatened with no actual follow through. And, just as he promised to call me and didn't follow through - I also made promises to leave in hopes to gain the control when I did not feel heard. Both are equally as damaging to the trust level in the relationship, and both are ONLY allowed as long as you let them!

Boundaries are not mean, they are not set to obtain control. They are held in YOUR space, and if someones actions show that they cannot operate within those boundaries (especially more than once) - YOU may, kindly, let them free.